Yes you heard it right: "I'm a fuckin' redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes. But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit and just fuckin' chillin' I guess. Ya fuck with me I'll kick ass." (MySpace)
Ladies and Gentlemen, meet America's future groom and parental kick in the pants, namely Mr. Levi Johnston. Fisherman? Hunter? Ass kicker? I don't know how Bristol Palin feels, but I can best tell you that George W. Bush just found the love of his life, damn!
Levi is choosing life and Levi is pretty much choosing a life in politics. And he has singlehandedly changed the Republican Party - forever.
If you ponder what happened (stop laughing and think), Conservatives all over our fine nation are thrilled with the couple's decision to keep the baby. Gosh, Bristol and Levi are role models for pregnant teens.
NY Daily News coined the parents-to-be "the all-American teen twosome." They have taken the shame associated with teen pregnancy and somehow turned it into all American bravery. (What the hell? Diablo Cody must be pissed that Juno didn't have anything like Bristol going on!)
Already making a real impact on politics, the self-proclaimed redneck - yes, America, Alaska too has rednecks - was publicly unveiled (and lovingly so) at the Republican Convention.
Another "event" meant to draw wads of nonstop attention in a dull post-Clintonian election month, this new couple took to the stage and brought (Republican) politics to its knees. Levi and Bristol have pulled off something quite extraordinary,'cause not only have they taken teen pregnancy out of movie theatres and trailer parks and placed it squarely into our living rooms, but the hopeless future First Family have given both GOPers and Dems a giant jolt: In fact, they have switched roles, a la Parent Trap. Levi is being trapped into becoming a parent. Too two terrible!
A couple of harmless teens got both Right and Left Wingers completely up in arms. In a newfangled twist, however, Conservatives have changed their tune about teens being with child for the very first time. Instead of a moral lynching, the Grand Old Party is offering only blessings to Sarah & Family throughout this Grandmama drama while the Befuddled Libs are screaming hypocrisy. Turns out teenage pregnancy outside of a marriage isn't so bad, huh? It's a big case of mistaken identity and two teenagers are behind it all. It's like Tina Fey cooked it up.
(Yes, I know who Sarah looks like.)
Well, the amniotic fluid is on the wall and a fucking fishermen and his 17-year-old baby mother are the people's people. They are changing party identity, taking the election by a storm even bigger than Gustav. Esteemed politicians have spent decades in politics without shaking things up as much as this all-American duo has in less than a week.
Get used to, kids, since the charming Pallins from Lake Whateverwasi are going anywhere. John McCain, you are being pushed aside by a Levi from the other side of the tracks.
...I'm Richard Laermer, author of the infamous book 2011: Trendspotting. I approved this message.