04/17/2006 10:27 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

April 16 News Update

Six prominent retired Generals call for Rumsfeld's resignation. Rummy seeing stars?

Question: Why didn't these Generals speak out during active duty? Answer: Gen. Eric Shineski.

Retired Lt. Gen. Greg Newbold: "My sincere view is that the commitment of our forces to this fight was done with a casualness and swagger that are the special province of those who have never had to execute these missions -- or bury the results." Sir, are you denigrating the Alabama Air National Guard?

President Bush says Rumsfeld has his "full support and deepest appreciation."

Baseball team owner talking about a manager? He might have said he was behind him 1000%, but why call attention to his own approval rating of 36%? Hey, compared to Cheney's and that of Katherine Harris in Florida, not bad.

Darth Cheney throws out first ball at Washington Nationals' home opener. Pitch is in the dirt and to the right -- like his politics.

Gay parents to show up in force at annual White House Easter Egg Roll. President and Mrs. Bush to have previous engagement.

Sen. Ted Kennedy tells huge demonstration in favor of immigration reform, "I look out over this crowd and I see the future of America." What he really saw was Central America.

Fox anchor Brit Hume calls demonstration "repellent spectacle." How do you say "fair and balanced" in Spanish?

Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi, self-proclaimed "Jesus Christ" of politics, narrowly loses bid for re-election. Or maybe he loses on Friday but wins three days later?

Berlusconi decides against recount, prompting one newspaper to say Italy doesn't want to be another "Florida." Just because the good guy won? Or because Scalia doesn't sit on the Italian Supreme Court?

Pope Benedict XVI speaking on Good Friday: "Today, a slick campaign of propaganda is spreading an inane apologia of evil, a senseless cult of Satan, a mindless desire for transgression, a dishonest and frivolous freedom, exalting impulsiveness, immorality and selfishness as if they were new heights of sophistication." Something lost in translation? Or Pope Rottweiler?

Hamas denounces Israeli boycott of Palestinian government. What's the word for chutzpah in Arabic? How dare the Israelis refuse to deal with a government sworn to destroy them?

Iran marks entry into "world's nuclear club" with big celebration, including dancing girls and release of doves. Now it's into the bunkers.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (nutcake in Farsi) decides against Daylight Savings Time in his country, causing experts there to say it will cost $3.3 billion in additional energy costs. So now you know why Iran needs nuclear technology, not for bombs, but for sunlight.

Figures show Exxon Mobil Chairman Lee Raymond got a pay of $144,573 per day -- PER DAY! -- for his success in gouging consumers. Retirement package worth $398,000,000 -- plus payment of his country club fees and a car and driver. Can't pay for his own country club fees and a car and driver with a retirement package of almost $400 million? Now you know why you're paying $3 a gallon for gasoline.

One of Raymond's major accomplishments? Despite $30 billion -- with a B -- in profits last year -- an all-time record -- Exxon is still resisting paying $5Billion in penalties for the Exxon Valdez oil spill in 1989 -- 17 years ago! -- which cost thousands of Alaskans their jobs. Maybe he'll now be hired by a Big Tobacco company.

Hugh Hefner celebrates 80th birthday, saying "80 is the new 40." But it's not nearly as many years as Hefner has set back women.

Queen Elizabeth also celebrating 80th birthday. Hefner not invited.

NEW YORK YANKEES GET BONDS! No, not Barry -- $1.6 billion in municipal bonds to finance new baseball stadium for poor, struggling George Steinbrenner.

H & R Block screws up its own tax returns. Now you know what happened to your refund.

Conservative Looney-Tunes columnist Ann Coulter recommends hiring illegal aliens to build wall to keep illegal aliens out. Makes a humorist's job easy.