APRIL 6, 2009, NEWS UPDATE
HYSTERIA ! Michelle Obama touched the Queen! Omigod! She touched the Queen ! Actually TOUCHED her! With her own hands! Omigod ! ....... Hey, wait a minute. Didn't we fight a Revolution so we didn't have to put up with this nonsense? And didn't we win?
Barack and Michelle twirl across the European stage to rave reviews. Bamalot?
Crowds abroad cheer American President. It's been a long eight years.
Queen gives Obama's signed picture of her and Prince Philip. How soon will that show up on eBay?
Obama said to settle dispute between China and France. Too bad he can't do same with Republicans here.
Obama hails G-20 Summit as "turning point" on road to global economic recovery. But unfortunately missed the financial G-Spot.
North Korea launches ballistic missile test. Obama calls on UN to punish North Korea. That should scare the hell out of them. Turns out test a failure. Like everything else in North Korea.
Two American submarines collide in Straits of Hormuz. Take that, Iran.
Obama Administration abandons "War on Terror" wording in favor of "Overseas Contingency Operations." We're not kidding here, folks. Wonder what Osama Bin Laden thinks about being object of an "Overseas Contingency Operation"? Can't wait for his next video.
Benjamin Netanyahu named Prime Minister of Israel. There goes the Peace Process. If there is a Peace Process.
Ultra-conservative Avigdor Lieberman, divisive demagogue opposed to Peace Process, named as Israeli Foreign Minister. Making United States not only country to have super-jerk named Lieberman in government.
Libertarian-oriented Cato Institute runs expensive full-page ads in major newspapers challenging Obama's economic policies. Hey, guys, where were you during the past eight years?
Gunman kills 13 in Binghamton, NY, shooting spree, following similar tragedies elsewhere in country. Four cops gunned down in Oakland. Three cops gunned down in Pittsburgh. Memo to gun nuts at NRA: Guns kill people.
Soap Opera "Guiding Light" canceled by CBS. ER goes off air. Apparently couldn't get government bailouts.
"Life on Mars" canceled by ABC. Too bad ABC not in charge of NASA.
John Calipari gets 8-year $31 million contract to coach men's basketball at University of Kentucky. So? Peanuts compared to what so many loser CEO's rake in.
What do you suppose UK professors make? They're the ones who will have Kentucky's "student-athletes" hitting the books in addition to hitting the boards. Right?
UK President Lee. T. Todd Jr., speaking of college athletics, says "What would universities be if you didn't have some of those athletic opportunities?" Gee, I dunno, maybe institutions of higher learning?
Food stamps newly labeled "nutritional assistance." Better than "Domestic Contingency Operation."
Republicans offer alternate budget. On April Fool's Day. That's all you need to know about that.
Minn. Sen. Norman Coleman refuses to concede defeat to Dem. challenger Al Franken, strings out court challenges. Who does he think he is, Al Gore? Maybe he just doesn't want to give up that Senate salary.
NY Times reports on Franken-Coleman dispute. "And while it can be hazardous to predict how politicians will vote, Franken is likely to side with President Obama more often than would Mr. Coleman, who generally supported Bush Administration policies." Man, that's some kind of insightful in-depth analysis.
Obama Administration fires Rick Wagoner as CEO of GM. He's replaced by right-hand man Fritz Henderson. Old wine in old bottles?
Judge rejects Michael Vick's bankruptcy plan. Michael now conferring with AIG. Oops, make that A.I.U. Holdings.
White House rebuffs GM's restructuring plan. Wants to bust General Motors to Sergeant Motors.
Federal Court overturns felony conviction of former Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens, who lost re-election bid. Those Bushies couldn't get anything right.
Some Alaskans calling for new Senate elections. Stevens' replacement, Mark Begich, says that's OK with him, as long as they take place in 2014.
Alaskan volcano Mount Redoubt erupts. Volcanic ash so thick over Anchorage, Sarah Palin can't see Russia from her front porch.
Baseball season begins. New York Yankees open new stadium. Front-row seat for a single game costs $2,625. No decimal points and no kidding. But hey, that ticket includes food and non-alcoholic drinks.
New uproar over $216 Million in bonuses to be paid to employees of government-rescued financial giants Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. But how else will they be able to afford Yankees' tickets?
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