01/01/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Dec. 1, 2008 News Update

George W. Bush celebrates final Thanksgiving in White House. America gives thanks.

Bush performs ritual pardoning of Thanksgiving turkey dubbed Pumpkin. Asked why he kept referring to the bird as "Scooter," he replied that he was just rehearsing for January.

Actually, this was the first Thanksgiving ever where the turkey pardoned the President.

Barack Obama nominates Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. Has pants suit, will travel. Also has a nothing act to follow. SNL loses Sarah, but Maureen Dowd gets to keep Hillary.

As part of deal, Bill Clinton discloses all business dealings and donors to Clinton Library. But not the little black book.

NY political gossip speculates on Bill being named to replace Hillary ...and give up $10million/year income?

Scary headline: Obama Names Rice U.N. Ambassador. Not scary at all -- it's Susan Rice, longtime foreign policy adviser, not Condoleezza.

News magazines depict Obama on their covers as FDR, Lincoln. Hey guys, couldn't you wait until at least the first 100 days? Or even the first 10?

Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-Minn), who once suggested Barack Obama was anti-American, now says she's "extremely grateful" an African-American has won. Nice try, Michelle, but you can forget about earmarks for your district.

Rep. Paul Brown (R-GA) relates civilian security force Obama has mentioned to Hitler's secret police. He just resents fact that a woman (see above) now holds the title of dumbest person in Congress.

General Motors asks FAA to block public from tracking its private planes. And you thought they had fired all their stupid PR people after the Washington debacle.

GM ends Tiger Woods' contract as spokesman for Buick. They got ticked off when he refused to bail them out.

National Bureau of Economic Research declares US been in recession since last December. No (expletive deleted)!

Government pondering another multi-billion-dollar stimulus package to boost economy along with billion-dollar bailouts. Would it be impolite to ask where all this money is coming from?

CEO of AIG, which has received $135 billion in federal bailout money, says he'll work for $1 a year. Still overpaid.

MSNBC host Chris Matthews said to be considering Senate race in Pennsylvania in 2010. If he runs, he'll find out that what he's doing now will look like Softball in a race against a Republican incumbent.

Somali pirates collecting millions of dollars in ransom money for hijacked ships. Whatever happened to "Millions for defense, not one penny of tribute?"

Ann Coulter has broken jaw wired shut and can't talk. Unfortunately, she can still write. At least she won't be able to do the talk show circuit for her newest rant masquerading as a book.

Controversial New York Giant end Plaxico Burres accidentally shoots himself in the hip at NY nightclub. He's been practicing for this all year by repeatedly shooting himself in the foot.

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