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Feb. 23, 2009 News Update

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President Obama signs $787 billion stimulus bill, $50 billion homeowners bill, adding to other billion dollar bailouts. Boys and girls, can you say quadrillion? Remember when a trillion dollars seemed like a lot of money? Sen. Dirksen updated: A trillion here, a trillion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money.

Is there anybody in Washington-or anywhere else-who knows what's in this bill? Think TARP.

President Bush once said America addicted to oil. Stimulus package indicates Congress addicted to Pork.

Obama goes to Denver to sign stimulus bill, to Arizona to sign homeowners bill. In these times of extreme belt-tightening, would it be impolite to suggest it would have been a lot less expensive to sign them in Washington?

Bye-bye week in the news. Stimulus package passes with little Republican support. Bye-Bye bi-partisanship. Benjamin Netanyahu asked to form new Israeli government. Known as Bibi. Bye-bye peace process. Dubai tennis tournament refuses visa for Israeli player. Bye-bye Dubai next year. Saab declares bankruptcy. Bye-bye Saab. No B's involved, but bye-bye Saturn and PT Cruiser. Conan O'Brian heads for Hollywood to replace Jay Leno. Bye-bye ratings.

Chrysler hooking up with FIAT...How do you say Fix It Again Tony in Detroit?

Financier R. Allen Stanford accused of $8billion market fraud. And he isn't even Jewish.

Japanese Finance Minister fired after appearing totally sloshed on television. If you were in charge of Japan's finances, you might get sloshed too.

Trump Entertainment goes bankrupt. Time for The Donald to write another book about Success.

New York Post excoriated for publishing possibly racist cartoon showing dead chimpanzee linked to stimulus. Editor said it was a parody. No argument. The entire newspaper is a parody.

New Illinois Senator Roland Burris keeps changing story about events leading up to nomination. Must be getting advice from A-Rod.

Anybody thought about testing bankers and financiers for steroid use?

Former Vice President Cheney said to be "furious" with former President Bush for not pardoning Scooter Libby. Guess Cheney won't be invited to the ranch for brush-clearing.

CNN anchor keeps getting peanuts confused with penis. Write your own line here.

Charter Communications files for bankruptcy. They'll show up in court sometime between 8 AM and 5 PM.

Despite facing enormous deficit, NY Gov. Patterson gives major raises to aides. He's not only blind, he's deaf -- tone-deaf.

French and British submarines collide in ocean. As sub commanders said, this ocean ain't big enough for the two of us.

News report says J. Edgar Hoover investigated to see if Jack Valenti was gay. Valenti gay? Maybe Hoover was just tired of having sex with Clyde Tolson and was looking for a new partner.

Hip-Hopper Chris Brown nominated for NAACP "image" award. Didn't realize there was a category for beating up girlfriend.

"Slumdog Millionaire" wins Oscar for Best Picture. Geez, even the Oscar outsourced.