02/09/2009 12:20 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Feb. 9, 2009 News Update

"I screwed up," says President Obama. Not exactly the quote you want from a President in first month in office. Maybe shoulda said he was "having some problems" and saved "screwed up" for when he really screws up.

Supporters claim it's "refreshing" honesty from a President whose predecessor screwed up catastrophically for 8 years and never acknowledged it. That's called trying to make chicken salad out of chicken s__t.

Maybe new Administration needs new cabinet position: Secretary of Making Sure Nominees have paid taxes. Perhaps 63-page questionnaire not long enough.

Still no decision on First Dog. Vetting process continues. Still looking for one with paid-up taxes.

Transition team which scrutinized Administration nominees is apparently same group which taught Obama how to bowl.

Obama did predict Steelers would win Super Bowl in close game. Now predicting stimulus package will beat the spread.

With economy in toilet, Congress and White House still haggling over stimulus package. Hey, Guys, just get the pork out! Or as Maureen Dowd puts it, pass a kosher bill (no pork).

Joe the Plumber said to be advising GOP on stimulus package. You can't make this stuff up.

Obama tries kissing GOP asses to get bipartisan support. GOP responds by kicking Obama's ass.

Groundhog Day. Groundhog didn't come out, fearing 6 more weeks of Bush Adminstration.

New York groundhog bites Mayor Mike Bloomberg. Guess he's not in favor of third term. Mayor quips about "terrorist rodent."

Obama Administration proposes $500,000 cap for Executives of companies that take TARP money. That's still more than annual salary of President of USA. Of course, President does have some important perks, including free housing, food and transportation. But doesn't ever get a bonus.

Banking executives claim salary caps will induce bankers to go elsewhere. To screw up other industries as much as they've screwed up theirs? Besides, you can't get by in New York City on only $500,000 a year.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geitner says he messed up tax returns by using Turbo-Tax. How come that doesn't appear in their TV ads?

In interview with Politico, former VP Dick Cheney warns that closing Guantanamo Bay and revising other Bush Administration policies enhance chances of Al-Qaeda attacks. Hey, Politico, he's out of office, get it? No reason to pay attention to his sappy comments any more. Just let him retire to the obscurity he so richly deserves.

Libyan Dictator Muamar Kaddafi named to head African Union. No, that's not a punch line. Really happened. Maybe he'll promote himself to General after being just a Colonel all these years.

Olympic champion Michael Phelps caught on film smoking pot. Field day for headline writers. To Host Bong Show. Loses Kellogg's endorsement, No Shredded Weed.

Retains Subway endorsement. Meatball Marinara sandwich on Subway menu to be replaced by Meatball MaryJane?

Hey, Michael, next time you smoke, make sure your "friends" don't have a camera around.

Phelps suspended from swimming for three months. Is that smart? Can't toke if he's in the pool.

RNC names black guy Chairman. Sorry, Republicans, Copy Cat a little late. Main task: Getting another black guy to join party.

List of people swindled by Bernard Madoff made public.Includes lots of Bold Faces. Now Red Faces. Instead of being under house arrest in NYC Penthouse, he should be put under house arrest in Palm Beach Country Club and see he long he survives. Or put him on a peanut butter diet.

News report says FBI kept tabs on comedian George Carlin. Were he alive, Carlin would have 7 words for J. Edgar Hoover, especially one ten-letter word. Might even have 8th word-Fascist.

News report says Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids in 2003. A-Rod as A-Fraud? Or Steer-Rod?

Movie "The Reader" described as "surprise" nomination for Oscar Best Picture. Surprise? Are you kidding? It's about the Holocaust.

Unemployment rate hits 7.6% in January. The Bush legacy continues to grow.