Jan. 11, 2009, News Update

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

JAN. 11, 2010, NEWS UPDATE

Releasing report on so-called Underwear Bomber, President Obama says we're at war with Al-Qaeda. Duh....

Obama also says Christmas Day incident reflects "systemic failure." Got that, Janet ("The system worked") Napolitano?

President announces series of measures to tighten airline security. Yeah, yeah, we did that after 9/11, too. How much have we learned since 9/11? Apparently not much.

More full body scan machines to be put in place to detect underpants bombs. Ancillary benefit: Will show cocaine-filled prophylactics in rectums. (Or is that recti?)

Obama claims problem was not gathering intelligence but failure to "connect the dots." So who was the ditz who didn't connect the dots? Dats what I wanna know, no ifs, ands or duts.

While on the topic of ditzes, former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani criticized Obama Administration for underpants bomber incident, claimed no such thing occurred during Bush Administration. Like 9/11? Rudy, Rudy, Rudy.....That's what the media refer to as Newsheimer's Disease....

Some Republicans criticize Obama for taking three days to respond to would-be bombing, forgetting (ignoring) the fact that George W. Bush (remember him?) took six days to react to Shoe Bomber Richard Reed.

After shoe bomber incident, plane passengers were asked to take off their shoes before screening. After underpants bomber incident....OK, OK, I know......

Seven CIA agents killed by double-agent Al Qaeda suicide bomber invited into their base in Afghanistan without being screened. Careless Inattentive Agency?

Report by American Military Intelligence chief in Afghanistan says US intelligence operations there are only marginally relevant to overall strategy, citing several cultural shortcomings. Maybe they'll do better in next 8 years.

White House reports third uninvited person snuck into dinner for Indian Prime Minister..... Underpants Bomber..... CIA agents killed .....But not to worry about security. Secret Service nailed naked man jogging outside White House in freezing weather.

More security assurances: Joan Rivers not allowed to board plane to US from Costa Rica because of passport problem. Real reason? Picture in passport bore no resemblance to face that launched a thousand knives. Afterward, she tried to smile about incident....but couldn't.

Fox Noise signs Sarah Palin as commentator. Now there's a switch. Up to now, Fox has been on Palin's payroll.

Faux News commentator Brit Hume disses Buddhism, suggests Tiger Woods convert to Christianity to get a better chance at redemption and forgiveness. This is a guy who purports to analyze national affairs? Here's a suggestion for you, Brit: Try to get Fox to convert to journalism.

Former (and presently disgraced) Illinois Gov. Rod Blagjoevich says he's "blacker than Obama." Could we leave that observation to Sen. Harry Reid, please? (For those who haven't been paying attention, a new book reports that during 2008 campaign, Reid described Obama as a "light-skinned African-American who doesn't have a Negro accent").

Blago to appear on Donald Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice." Can one TV show accommodate all that weird hair? Or that much smarminess?

Blockbuster movie "Avatar" racks up more than a billion dollars in box office take. And most people don't even know what the title means.....

NBC shaking up late night line-up after Jay Leno flops at 10PM and Conan O'Brien flops on Tonight Show. Don't mean to say We told you so, but WE TOLD YOU SO!