Jan. 12, 2009, News Update

Barack Obama says we only have one President at a time. Would it be impolite to ask who that is?

Obama proposing multi-billion dollars stimulus package. One Federal agency that will be well stimulated: US Mint. It prints money.

Two porn industry leaders ask for $5 billion bailout. Gives new meaning to "stimulus." They say "It's time for Congress to rejuvenate sexual appetite of America." Congress has lots of experience in doing that without a bailout.

President Bush hosts all living ex-Presidents at lunch. Cheney passes, saying he had "other commitments," as he did during Vietnam. Scouts for Mt. Rushmore skipped the event.

Media focus on significance of event: Three Presidents wore blue ties, two wore red ties. They ordered "off the menu." Carter kept distance from Clinton. Aren't you glad you knew that?

Comedian Al Franken declared winner in Minnesota senatorial race, but not seated by Democrats. Not yet ready for prime time?

Democrats also refuse to seat Roland Burris, appointed by disgraced Illinois Gov. Blagojevich. Hey, Senate, his name is Roland, not Plaxico. Critics say he's "tainted." Burris says Tain't so. Ain't no way he won't be seated.

Defending NFL champions NY Giants lose in playoffs. Plaxico, Oh Plaxico, wherefore art thou Plaxico?

President-Elect Obama considering naming Sanjay Gupta as Surgeon General. He's not only a doctor, he plays one on TV. American Idol contestant Sanjaya wonders, Is there a job on the Obama Administration for me?

Obama to name Leon Panetta CIA chief. Critics say he has no experience in intelligence. Considering performance of intelligence agencies in recent past, isn't that a good thing?

Obama's denied residence in Blair House early in order to enroll kids in DC schools because it was already "committed." Joe the Plumber staying there?

Joe named war correspondent for PajamasTV. Guess 15 minutes of fame not enough. Obviously qualified to analyze toilet facilities in Gaza.

White House still hasn't named First Dog. Canines having trouble with that 63-page questionnaire.

GMAC gets $6Billion federal bailout. Still sponsors GMAC Bowl Game. To be re-named Bailout Bowl.

Judge to decide whether sleazy swindler Bernie Madoff should go to jail for violating bail provisions by sending assets to relatives. Why isn't he in jail already?

French financier commits suicide over Madoff losses. Would it be impolitic to suggest he killed the wrong man?

Man who donated kidney to wife now wants it back or $1.5million compensation after he catches her cheating and she files for divorce. Gotta be a country song in there somewhere.

Bad news: Matt Dillon arrested for driving 106mph in Vermont. Good news: He was driving an American car (Chevy Impala).

Elvis's 74th birthday observed. Great grocery press headline: "Statue of Elvis Found on Mars". And you thought the space program was a waste of money.