01/05/2011 12:32 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Jan. 3, 2011, News Update, New Year's Edition

I/We Resolve:

President Obama-To be a two-term President, but first I resolve to be a one-term President.

Vice President Biden-To wear bigger shoes that won't fit in my mouth.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton-To quash all speculation that I might run for President in 2012...unless, of

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell-To make Obama a one-term President, whether it's good for the country or not.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid-To keep eating the other guy's lunch and to teach Sen. McConnell how to say "Yes" and how to vote "Aye."

House Majority Leader John Boehner-To avoid becoming Weeper of the House, so don't ever ask me about chasing the American dream. Got that?

U.S. Supreme Court-To start showing some judgment.

U.S. Congress-To stop our out-of-control spending. What's that, you say? We broke it already?

The Tea Party-To legislate Congress out of existence. Nobody will miss it anyway, except for late-night comedians.

Wall Street Bankers-Not to make any resolutions since you would only laugh at them.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai-To steal as much as I can before the Americans leave.

Hamid's brother, Ahmed Wali Karzai-To steal more than my brother.

The CIA-To find out what the hell is really going on in Afghanistan.

Sunnis in Iraq-To kill as many Shi'ites as we can after the Americans leave.

Shi'ites in Iraq-To kill as many Sunnis as we can after the American leave.

Kurds in Iraq-To be left alone.

Gov. Ahnold Schwarzenegger-To "be back." Somewhere, someplace, sometime.

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg--To find somebody competent to run the city's schools and to clean city streets after a major snowstorm. (Guess I can forget about a fourth term, huh?).

CBS News--To remain firmly entrenched in last place in morning TV by naming an all-new cast of people nobody has ever heard of.

New CBS Morning anchor Erica Hill--To ask TV viewers to make a New Year's resolution to watch "The Early Show" on CBA. Good luck, Erica.

Ben Stein--To continue to be the most boring, least interesting person on television.

Larry King--To stop sleeping with my wife's relatives.

Ultra-Conservative Evangelist Pat Robertson--To push my new cause of legalizing marijuana. (Stuff was pretty good once I finally tried it).

Brett Favre--To retire for good, once and for all, no more comebacks..........unless, of