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July 12, 2010 News Update

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JULY 12, 2010, NEWS UPDATE

It was the best of times, It was the worst of times....(Pretty classy opening line, no?) Worst for Cleveland, Best for Miami as LeBron James eschews the Cleveland cold for Miami Heat.

The self-crowned King James announced his decision during a one-hour special on ESPN. Why ESPN? Because the Oval Office wasn't available. It might have been available if LeBron were going to Chicago. (See, President Obama is from Chicago and he wanted James to go to the Bulls, and... well, you get the picture.)

By the end of the program, we were all waiting for MeBron to tell us how he was going to stop the oil gusher in the Gulf of Mexico.

Hour-long show most riveting television since... well, since Geraldo Rivera broke into Al Capone's vault.

In his announcement, LBJ, as he also calls himself, said he was taking his talents to South Beach. Which is why he's now known in Cleveland as a real son of a Beach.

Cleveland Cavaliers' majority owner Dan Gilbert, who was not informed in advance of the decision, writes scathing open letter, blasting James as "narcissistic...self-promoting..." and using words like "cowardly betrayal, callous... heartless...shocking act of disloyalty." C'mon, Dan, tell us what you really think.

Gilbert also guaranteed-that's right, guaranteed-that Cleveland would win the NB championship before the Miami Kingdom. Er, Dan, if you're looking for someone with whom to wager on that proposition, I could make myself available.

Jesse Jackson said Gilbert's letter shows he looks at James as a "runaway slave." Albeit a rather well-paid slave, wouldn't you say, Jesse?

James said he went to Miami to win a ring with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. The Big Three in Boston and the Big One in Los Angeles might have something to say about that.

One thing MeBron has accomplished immediately for the Heat -- He's made them the most rooted-against team in basketball.

Noisiest World Cup of soccer finally over, Spain defeats Netherlands, 1-0, in overtime finale that almost made MeBron Show look exciting.

European teams finish one, two, three. Too bad their currency isn't doing as well.

Some Dutch fans suffered double disappointment. Porn star Bobbi Eden promised free oral sex to all her followers on Twitter if Holland won. Obviously a blown opportunity.

Do you know what a clairvoyant cephalod is... an intuitive invertebrate... a mollusk medium... the Oracle of Oberhausen? It's an octopus named Paul. He's an inmate in an aquarium in Germany. He correctly predicted the results of the final eight World Cup games --o ne for each tentacle.

He was awarded his own World Cup containing three mussels -- one of his favorite foods -- and then retired. He's also under armed guard since some wise guys in Vegas are interested in his talents.

After he picked Spain to beat Holland, Spanish businessmen tried to buy him and take him to Madrid-renamed "Paulo." He's already a hero in Spain. The owner of a chain of famous Spanish restaurants has removed octopus from the menu.

PETA demands he be released from his glass cage and sent back to the wild. Suppose he could go to the Gulf and predict the end of the oil gusher? Why not? Nothing else has worked so far.

This World Cup gave new meaning to the the term Horn of Africa.

News Flash! Vuvuzelas banned at Wimbledon. Oh those British, so stuffy.....

United States and Russian swap spies-our four for their ten... Theirs were sexier, but ours were better quality.

This never would have happened if President Obama and President Medvedev hadn't gone to a local burger joint for lunch. It's known as Cheeseburger Diplomacy.

Obama offered to throw in Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck in the deal, but Russia wasn't buying.

Justice Department sues Arizona over its tough new immigration laws. Would it be impertinent to suggest that the time spent preparing the lawsuit might have been used more appropriately to devise an intelligent national immigration policy?

Much of country suffers blistering heat wave. If you thought it was hot now, wait until this fall when all the electioneering hot air kicks in.

Linda McMahon, former head of World Wrestling Entertainment, running for Republican Senate nomination in Connecticut. Campaign ad shows wrestling scene, then Linda saying, "That's not real." NOW she tells us.

Lindsay Lohan sentenced to 90 days in jail for violating probation on DUI charge. Shows up in court with fingernails painted "F..K U." Wonder how she figured that might help her with presiding judge. Same day, she was sued by a local store for $17,00 in unpaid bills. Name of store: Tough as Nails. Really.