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July 5, 2010, News Update

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JULY 5, 2010, NEWS UPDATE

July 4th-Independence Day ... Happy Birthday America! What do we celebrate? Two useless wars, out of control deficit, out of control gusher in Gulf of Mexico, high unemployment, out of the World Cup. But we're just a kid at 234 years old ... So, Happy Birthday America?

To Larry King, Joan Rivers, John McCain, Bob Dole ... Happy In-Depends Day!

Larry King announces he will be retiring from CNN gig in the fall. Didn't he retire several years ago?

Scramble on for his replacement ... Hooker-prone (no pun intended) former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer? Already signed on for talk show, hooked up (sorry) with lovely right-wing beauty Kathleen Parker. Can't wait to hear her innuendos.

Since CNN in market for disgraced Governors, how about former Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich? Put him on with Donald Trump and Conan O'Brian to have hairiest show on TV.

Memo to New York City: Offer King slot to LeBron James. No other city can offer that.

James entering free agent market, along with a number of other NBA stars. "Free" a serious misnomer. These guys are going for millions and millions and millions.

Queen Elizabeth visiting NYC this week. Could she help in recruiting King James? Naaah ... she's into horse racing.

BP gusher continues to pollute Gulf of Mexico. Louisiana politicians hold day of prayer to appeal for end to disaster. Two days later, Hurricane Alex hits area, hampering clean-up efforts. Must have been God's day off.

Republican National Chairman Michael Steele says US cannot win in Afghanistan and war is of "Obama's choosing." GOP thinking of replacing him with Gen. Stanley McChrystal.

McChrystal resigns from military after being booted from Afghanistan command. Larry King spot open....

New Afghan military commander David Patraeus says "We're in this to win." Would somebody please define what "winning" means?

Vice President Joe Biden visits Iraq over holiday weekend to urge warring factions to reconcile and create functioning government. Iraqis say, "When you do it in Washington, DC, maybe we'll do it in Baghdad."

Senate holds hearings on nomination of Elena Kagan to Supreme Court. She once called such proceedings "vapid and hollow." Does nothing to challenge that perception.

Numerous Republican Senators already say they'll oppose nomination, citing various reasons. Real reason: They think she's too short.

Kagan draws chuckles when asked what she was doing last Christmas Day at time of Christmas bomber by saying, like most Jews, she was probably eating Chinese. Scalia and Alito determined to wean her off Chinese and onto pizza (kosher, of course).

Republican Senators block extension of unemployment benefits for millions of Americans. House Minority Leader John Boehner says if GOP takes control of House in November, he'll push for raising Social Security age requirement to 70. What about cutting Medicare benefits? And the pundidiots thinks these guys are going to prevail in November?

In case you're no longer paying attention-and why would you? -- here are some World Cup soccer results: Germany blitzes Argentina, Netherlands whomps Brazil, Spain snookers Paraguay, Uruguay lucks out against Ghana. Old World 3, Colonies 1.

Poor refereeing continues in World Cup. England denied clear goal against Germany. Argentina awarded faulty goal against Mexico. Argentine Coach Diego Maradona says referee in one game must have been Andrea Bocelli. (He's blind Italian singer, heh, heh).

Memo to FIFA (world soccer federation): They now have this new-fangled thing called television. It can record action on tape and be played back instantly to review plays. If it's so good, FIFA asks, why doesn't Major League Baseball employ it? Answer: Stupid is as stupid does.

Despite that, Congrats to FIFA: You have the only overtime tie-breaker more stupid than the NFL. In fact, NFL now considering field goal shoot-out to decide OT winner.

North Korea demolished by Portugal, 7-0. Korean players better hope Kim Il Jong in good mood when they go back to Pyongyang -- if they dare go back.

AFL-CIO chief economist responds to rude question by Neil Cavuto by calling Cavuto "asshole" on TV. Don't know about this guy's economic credentials, but he's certainly an astute judge of character.

Alleged Russian spy ring broken up in US. These people were really dangerous, sending back to Moscow such information as mortgage rates in US, fluctuating price of gasoline, Costco specials. HBO planning TV movie entitled, "The Spies Who Lived Well."

Actually, whole episode was publicity stunt engineered by Sony, which coming out with Russian spy movie, "Salt," starring Angelina Jolie. She plays a pillar of salt. (Groan).

Low-cost (and I mean low) European airline Ryan Air said to be considering standing room "seats" for $6. What next...space in cargo for a buck? In any event, please don't tell Southwest Airlines.