07/10/2006 10:25 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

July 9 News Update

President Bush hits the Big 6-0. So much for Wisdom coming with Age.

President's age nearing his grade average at Yale.

President provides new rationale for War in Iraq. More American soldiers must stay and die to justify deaths of those already killed.

North Koreans fire off series of missiles despite international condemnation. They claim they just wanted to provide some fireworks on 4th of July.

Long-range North Korean missile blows up less than a minute into flight. Must have been outsourced to NASA.

United States celebrates Independence Day with successful launch of Shuttle Discovery. That lift-off roar you heard was actually huge sigh of relief.

United States does not celebrate Independence Day with independence from space program--biggest and most wasteful boondoggle in history.

United States also does not celebrate Independence Day with any form of energy independence as only visible form of progress toward alternate sources of fuel is more hot air emanating from Washington.

Former Enron chief Ken Lay dies of heart attack while awaiting sentencing on fraud charges. Rather extreme way to beat the rap.

Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman says he'll run as Independent if loses Democratic primary. Yo Joe, why not end all the sanctimony and hypocrisy and just run as a Republican?

Conservative Calderon narrowly defeats Leftist ObraGore in Mexican presidential election. Bush sending Justice Scalia to affirm outcome of contested vote.

Fears expressed that turmoil over vote will result in thousands of Mexican poor crossing border into United States. How will we know?

New Jersey shuts down government over budget dispute, costing itself millions of dollars in lost revenues because of closed casinos and racetracks. Where's Tony Soprano when you need him?

Auction bidder pays $620,000 for lunch with Warren Buffet. Better you should buy a share of Berkshire-Hathaway.

Four former Chicago city officials convicted in corruption scandal. Corruption in Chicago city government? Shocking!

Ann Coulter's publisher says charges of plagiarism against her are "without merit." Of course they are. No one else could possibly have written such garbage.

"Pirates of the Caribbean 2" rakes in $132 million at box office. Pittsburgh Pirates thinking of signing up Johnny Depp.