06/20/2011 05:27 pm ET | Updated Aug 20, 2011

June 20, 2011: News Update


Bipartisan group of Congressmen sues President Obama over Libya, accusing him of violating War Powers Act by not seeking Congressional authorization for use of military force. White House responds by pointing out US involved in "humanitarian bombing" in Libya, not war. Besides, White House claims, you cannot sue a Nobel Peace Prize winner over war.
President Obama invites House Speaker John Boehner to play a round of golf. Couldn't play at Congressional Country Club because US Open taking place there (Obama didn't make qualifying round), So they played the course at Andrews Air Force Base. Why not Boehner's club? Because it doesnt allow woman members. WHAT? Where are the women's rights organizations? Where are the women voters in Boehner's district? Where is
Boehner, who has single digit handicap (we're talking golf here, not IQ) partnered with Obama against VP Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich instead of kicking Obama's butt as an opponent. Omen for the future? ....Doubtful....
Obama/Boehner defeat Biden/Kasich (Biden certainly accustomed to being number two) on final hole. Collect $2. Only $1,999,999,999,988 short on debt reduction agreement.
Speaking of golf, 22-year-old Rory McIllroy wins US Open by record margin. Move over, Tiger, there's a new gun in town. Woods sat out tournament with injuries. Rest easy, Jack Nicklaus, Tiger has lost his stripes....Your record of major victories is safe----for now. Rory only 22.
Lemonade stand opened near US Open site by kids raising money for charity shut down by Maryland officials. And you wonder why this country is in trouble. (Following uproar, kids allowed to operate in new location, $500 fine waived).
News not all bad for Tiger....wife Elin reportedly ready to take him back. After reading about Schwarzenegger and Weiner and those randy bankers with the chambermaids in New York City, guess she figured they're all alike.
Speaking of.....Congress is without a Weiner...still plenty of d**ks, but no Weiner. Tearfully resigns from Congress, saying, "What was I thinking?" He wasn't--at least not with the body part that you usually associate with thinking.
Weiner makes decision after presumably conferring with wife Huma Abedin, who returned from overseas trip with Hillary Clinton. David Letterman marked occasion by chanting, "Huma, Oprah, Oprah, Huma." OK, wasn't that funny when he did it as host of Oscars, either.
How do you suppose that homecoming conversation went? Huma: "Anthony, Darling, I know you love your package, but I've just come back from Africa, and frankly, your package is not that impressive that you should be displaying it around the internet." Probably not.
More likely: "What the fuck were you thinking? But I forgive you, because the baby is Bill Clinton's." Probably not, again.
Pundidiots wonder how Weiner can make a living since he apparently has no skills beyond winning elections and peter tweetiing. Not to worry. Hustler publisher Larry Flynt has made him a lucrative job offer. And that's the truth. Really. No kidding. You could look it up.
Hey, how about a cable anchor job? Sorry, slot for public officials disgraced by sex scandals already taken by Eliot Spitzer. By the way, when CNN did TV special program on public official sex scandals, Spitzer not included. Who do you think you are, CNN, Fox News?
Republican presidential hopefuls hold debate--7 of them. Seven.....make you think of anything, like Snow White and the......?
CNN moderator really went after them with such hard-hitting questions as, Do you prefer Coke or Pepsi, Blackberry or iPhone, thin crust or deep dish? No, that is not excerpted from Saturday Night Live. How about we just skip the next debate and let the candidates compete on "Dancing With The Stars"?
YNet reports ultra-orthodox rabbinical court in Israel condemns dog to death by stoning because it represented secular reincarnation of lawyer who insulted court 20 years ago. Who do they think they are, The Taliban?
Iran bars men from wearing shorts and necklaces. Who do they think they are, Ultra-Orthodox Israeli Jews?
Saudi women demonstrate for the right to drive cars (Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world where women can't drive). Memo to Saudi women: Forget demonstrations, embrace Lysistrata. If men retaliate with violence, invoke Lorena Bobbitt. You'll be behind the wheel in no time.