05/01/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

March 1, 2010 News Update


President Obama holds health care reform summit. To sum it up, the summit was less than the whole of its parts.

Republicans wanted to talk process. Democrats wanted to talk substance. So what's new?

Likely result: Democrats will seek to pass health care reform by Senatorial process known as reconciliation, which requires simple majority. Republicans will scream bloody murder, although they've used reconciliation more times than anybody else in recent times.

For you wordsmiths, "reconciliation" has nothing to do with reconciling. Republicans don't understand the word "reconciling," unless there's a way to make it mean "no."

Japanese head of Totoya testifies before Congress, apologizes for quality problems. For those expecting hari-kari, disappointment.

Akio Toyoda points out his name on every car. But Akio, the car is ToyoTa....No wonder the company is so screwed up. (OK, OK, there's an explanation, but why let the facts get in the way of a good line?)

Whose apology was more credible: Tiger Woods or Akio Toyoda. Before you answer, remember Tiger didn't kill anybody except his sponsors.

Where was NITSA (National Highway Safety Traffic Administration) during Toyota problems? Emulating the SEC during financial meltdown. That's why they call them bureaucrats. They sit on their bureaus.

And why is NHSTA acronymed as NITSA? Guess for same reason Toyoda is Toyota? Inquiring minds are confused.

Winter Olympics come to an end. NBC Nightly News can now go back to reporting the news.

Dick Cheney suffers another heart attack. Happened when he found out waterboarding not an Olympic sport.

IOC considering eliminating women's hockey as Olympic sport because of domination by Canada and US. So how about eliminating men's basketball as Olympic sport because of domination by US? Dare one suggest sexism?

Canadian women win gold, celebrate on ice after everyone has gone home with beer, cigars and champagne on ice. Critical IOC to investigate. Oh grow up, IOC! Who do you think you are, the NFL fining players for end zone celebrations?

Iran wins 0 medals in Winter Olympics. It's more interested in uranium than gold.

Skier Marjan Kalhor first Iranian woman to compete in Winter Olympics. After 400 years, Globe Theater stages first play written by a woman. Kathyrn Bigelow first woman to win Best Director Award from London Critics Circle. Kelly Kulick first woman to win Professional Bowlers Assn. title. Next thing you know, they'll want the right to vote.

NY Governor David Patterson borrows line from Blazing Saddles. "I got it, I got it, I got it, I don't got it." "I'm running, I'm running, I'm running..I'm not running." Andrew Cuomo measuring drapes in Governor's mansion in Albany.

Irate tax protester crashes plane into IRS office in Austin, Texas, kills self and one employee. Seems to be rather extreme way to avoid paying taxes.

Goldman Sachs helps Greece hide extent of debt crisis, then bets on Greek default. Goldman Sucks once again.

Sen. Jim Bunning (Rep. Ky) holds up bill to extend unemployment benefits although his state has one of highest unemployment rates in nation. Man, will Kentucky miss him come November.

White House Social Secretary Desiree Rogers, who was at center of controversy over dinner crashers and inviting herself to state dinner, is leaving. Means she was fired after what is euphemistically known as "decent interval."

Whale "expert" Richard Ellis says orca attack killing handler in San Diego was "premeditated." Who does he think he is, the Mentalist?

Stephanie Madoff, daughter-in-law of infamous swindler Bernie Madoff, asking NY Court for name change because of fear of threats against her and children. Stephanie Ponzi not under consideration.

Chinese New Year observed. It's the Year of the Tiger. Or maybe not.