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March 12, 2007 News Update

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Cheney aide Scooter Libby convicted of perjury. Later bumps into President Bush at White House, says, "Oops, pardon me."

Bush and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez make dueling trips to Latin America. Bush's message: Don't You Go Chavez.

Crowd of about 500 stage anti-Bush demonstration in Porto Alegre, Brazil. 500? In the region's most populous country? Pretty pathetic, Brazil.

Mayan leaders say they will "spiritually cleanse" ancient ruins after visit by Bush. Want to get rid of that sulphur smell left behind?

Bush appoints commission to investigate Walter Reed scandal. Not enough soldiers in Iraq. Not enough armor. Not enough care for wounded veterans. "Support our troops."

News headline: "What if Cheney Resigns?" You mean after all the celebrating?

News headline: "Should Alan Greenspan Shut Up?" At $150,000 a pop?

FBI acknowledges abusing Patriot Act. Didn't they promise not to do that?

Attorney General Gonzalez says under oath that firing of eight US Attorneys not "politically motivated." Where's Patrick Fitzgerald when we need him?

Calls mount for Gonzalez to resign. Sure, right after Cheney.

Presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama pays outstanding parking tickets 17 years later. Yeah, but what about all those times he got out of jury duty?

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich confesses to having extramarital affair while leading impeachment fight against President Clinton, says he fell short of "God' standards." Didn't fall at all short in the hypocrisy department, however.

TV documentary reports lost tomb of Jesus found in Jerusalem. Geraldo Rivera calls it a hoax.

Three public high school girls suspended for saying "vagina" out loud at reading of play. Childrens' book banned because it contains word "scrotum." George Carlin must be busting a gut.

Nevada Democrats cancel presidential debate scheduled on Fox TV after Roger Ailes makes joke about similarity of Obama and Osama names. The worst part is joke wasn't even funny.