March 17, 2008 News Update

President Bush goes to Economic Club of New York to reassure country about the economy. Stock market plunges almost 200 points. Better he should stick to tap dancing.

President says Republicans can regain control of Congress in 2008. Sure, just like they did in 14th Congressional District in Illinois, where a Democrat was just elected to the seat vacated by former House Speaker Dennis Hastert, who held it for 20 years.

Bush acknowledges "tough" economic times. Not for CEO's. Heads of Citicorp, Merrill Lynch, Countrywide and Time Warner appear before Congress and defend multi-million dollar golden parachutes despite pitiful management performance. Where's Spitzer when we need him?

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigns because of involvement in prostitution ring. (Why are they always called "rings"?) Eliot as Idiot. Scourge of stock market falls prey to meat market.

Spitzer once considered rising star in Democratic party. Wrong part rising. Now goes from being screwed by $1000/hour hookers to being screwed by $1000/hour lawyers.

Real humiliation? Only client #9. Who ranks higher? Senators? Cabinet members? Inquiring minds want to know. At least he was known as good tipper. Or maybe he was just known as having a good tip.

Spitzer follows in footsteps of scandal-scarred Governors of New Jersey and Connecticut. New York just keeping up with the Joneses in the tri-state area.

Tehran Police Chief Reza Zarei arrested after found naked with six nude prostitutes. Bet you didn't know Zarei means Spitzer in Farsi.

Cheney goes to Middle East to work on peace agreement. Bush warned them if they wouldn't deal with Condi, they would get Dick. Arabs and Israelis insist he leave shotgun at home.

Bush still claims Middle East peace agreement possible by end of his term. If Cheney doesn't succeed, there's always Santa Claus.

President vetoes bill outlawing waterboarding. C'mon, stressed-out CIA should be able to have a little fun every once in a while.

Geraldine Ferraro vilified for citing Sen. Obama's race as decisive factor in his success. She must have been confused by results of Mississippi primary, where he got 90% of black vote, as well as similar results in South Carolina, Alabama, Georgia and Louisiana. But let's forget all that. Try this: Clarence Thomas would not be where he is if he weren't black.

Most ridiculous story of political campaign so far: Barack Obama's favorite TV show is "The Wire." So ABC News does profile of show's star. Food TV now considering show on his favorite recipes.

Iowa Rep. Steve King says terrorists will be dancing in streets if Obama elected President. Yo, Stevie, didn't Obama win the Iowa caucuses? So Iowans want to see terrorists dancing in the streets? The people who will be dancing in the streets will be Americans--when Bush leaves office.

Wall Street giant Bear Stearns bailed out by JP Morgan and federal government to prevent it from collapsing. Maybe former CEO Jimmy Cayne should have spent more time running the company and less time playing bridge.

Harvard and Coach Tommy Amaker (Duke graduate) being investigated for possibly lowering academic standards to get better basketball players. If they want to pollute Harvard Square with dumb jocks, they should hire John Thompson of Georgetown.