04/23/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

March 23, 2009, News Update


President Obama goes on Tonight Show with Jay Leno, appears on ESPN with March Madness picks. Republicans complain, saying there's nothing in the Constitution for that.

Obama gaffes, comparing poor bowling score of 129 to Special Olympians. Real gaffe: 129 is his golf score.

Headline of the week from New York Post: "Not So Fast, You Greedy Bastards," referring to AIG bonuses. Congress heeds, passes legislation taxing bonuses up to 90%. Get mad and Get Even.

Name of legislation: Lifetime Employment Act for lawyers.

AIG: Aggregated Integrated Greed.

AIG President Liddy working for $1 a year. And worth every penny.

Sen. Grassley says AIG executives should resign or commit suicide.
Executives demur, noting no bailout money available for suicide.

Major so-called rating agencies gave top marks to 10 companies which soon went bust. Standard & Poor's now just Poor. Moody's now Muddy's. Fitch's now Futch's, as in All Futched Up. Would anybody care if they went bust?

Administration officials trying to persuade private investors to buy billions of dollars in troubled mortgages and related assets from banks. Problem is, can't find euphemism for "toxic."

St. Patrick's Day observed. Who didn't do Irish President O'Bama? ABC News did, plus O'Val O'ffice. O'Puhleeze.

Michelle Obama starts Vegetable garden at White House, including organic arugula. Elitists after all?

No beets because President doesn't like beets. But not because they're red. After all, he doesn't mind all that red ink in his budget.

First President Bush weighs in, says Skip the broccoli.

Michelle says Barack will go out and pull weeds, whether he likes it or not. Too bad he can't do same thing with government spending bill.

Crackpot Republicans pushing for release of Obama's birth certificate. And if it turns out he was not born in the USA? Cable channels go wild.

Obama sends outreach videotape to Iran. Sorry, Mr. President, but Iranians don't watch foreign videos without beheadings.

Pope Benedict visits Africa, reaffirms Roman Catholic Church's stand against use of condoms to prevent AIDS, which has claimed 25 million African lives in recent years. Hey, Benny, if you're going to preach 17th Century doctrine, Just Stay Home.

Alex Rodgriguez does GQ layout kissing himself and admiring himself in mirror. Man, them "roids will make you do weird things.

Maggie Rodgriguez and Russ Mitchell anchor CBS Evening News. Natalie Morales anchors NBC Evening News. So, ABC, it's 6:30 PM. Do you know where your minorities are?

U.S. Post Office says it will offer early retirement to 150,000 employes. You mean they aren't retired already?