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March 7, 2011, News Update

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MARCH 7, 2011, NEWS UPDATE

Libya lurching into civil war as strongman Muammar Khaddafi sends warplanes against anti-government rebels. However you spell Khadaffi, it's not spelled "Mubarek."

How come the anti-government forces in Libya are "rebels" while everywhere else, they're "protesters"?

President Obama says "We stand for democracy, we stand for observance of human rights...We send a clear message to the people of Libya that we will stand with them...." That's the problem, Mr. President, You're just "standing." Don't just stand there, Do something!

American people sending clear message to Muammar: "Get the hell out. We don't want $4/gallon gas.!"

If the winter of discontent continues in Bahrain, Oman and Yemen, can an Arab Spring in Saudi Arabia be far behind? Just in case, the Saudis reaffirmed a ban on "un-Islamic" demonstrations. In this case, "un-Islamic" translates to "all."

In case anybody cares, Ivory Coast turning into violent soap opera as embattled President Laurent Bgabgo refuses to leave office despite being defeated in presidential election. Really sore loser.

Obama lifts ban on military trials for terrorist suspects being held at Guantanamo Bay. Uh, didn't we hear you say during the campaign that you were going to close Gitmo?

News from the Bench:

Supreme Court upholds right of demonstrators to protest against homosexuality at military funerals, no matter how vile their signs or speech. Father of one of the dead soldiers said of the court: "They don't have the common sense of a goat." Insightful man.

Court milestone: Justice Clarence Thomas has now gone five--count'em--five years without asking a question during oral arguments. Maybe he just doesn't want to show how unqualified for the job he is by asking dumb questions. More likely, he's already made up his mind about the case, so who needs questions?

Investigation shows Thomas failed to report nearly $700,000 of income his wife received from a conservative foundation. Why isn't that an impeachable offense?

Former Ark. Gov. Mike Huckabee criticizes actress Natalie Portman for being unmarried and pregnant. Who does he think he is, Dan Quayle? (For those of you too young to know or too old to remember, Dan Quayle was once Vice President of the United States. He criticized the sitcom "Murphy Brown" for showing her (Candace Bergen) pregnant and unmarried.

New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg booed at early St. Patrick's Day Parade in Queens after making remark considered offensive to Irish about their drinking. He also said he puts ice in his beer. Irish react by ordering corned beef sandwiches on white bread with mayo.

Chicago no longer Second City after mayoral election. Windy City now has shorter Mayor than New York.

Charlie Sheen........Is there anything left he hasn't said or hasn't been said about him? Networks don't think so.....He's done so many interviews, you could think there's a Charlie Sheen network, a la Oprah.

In fact, he may get own talk show on radio or TV. That should last about 15 minutes.

"Two and a Half Men" reduced to Zero as CBS cancels top-rated sitcom because of Sheen's ranting. Bye-Bye $3Million (asking price) an episode, Charlie.

What do Charlie Sheen and Muammar Khaddafi have in common? Show them a microphone and who knows how much wacko rambling will follow?

Kathleen Parker dumped from Spitzer-Parker cable talk show. Yo, Kath, Welcome to the NFL. Spitzer reportedly moves into Parker's office as soon as she's booted. Don't you dare think what he did in her office as soon as he got there.....Eliot Spniffer?

IBM Supercomputer Watson defeats two Jeopardy champions. Before you get too smug, buddy, just remember who programmed you.

IBM Supercomputer Watson gets comeuppance when defeated by former physicist and Democratic Congressman Rush Holt of NJ. OK, Congressman, if you're so smart, why can't you balance the budget?

Th..th..the...K...K...K...King's...Sp....SP.....Speech W....W...Wins Os...Os...Os...car. C'mon, Academy, Why so obsessed with all things British? Ever see an American film win the British version of the Oscar? Next thing you know, you'll all be going gaga over "royal" wedding.
Silly Studies Department:

British University study shows wild chimpanzees laugh even when joke isn't funny. Conan O'Brien and SNL trying to figure ways to stock audiences with wild chimps.