07/03/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

May 3, 2010, News update


Goldman Sachs bankers called to testify before Senate Committee. Greatest display of ego and arrogance in one place since John Kenneth Galbraith testified alone.

E-mail reveals Goldman bankers referred to "Timberwolf" as "sh-tty deal." NY Post headlines "Sachs of "Sh-t." Goldman made selling of Timberwolf "top priority" according to internal documents. Just a bit of excremental salesmanship?

Justice department calls for criminal investigation of Goldmine Sucks. Stock value drops by about $2 billion. Just a couple of executive bonuses.

SEC cites Goldman VP Fabrice Toure, who calls himself "Fabulous Fab," for creating products that cost investors $1Billion. Fabulous Fraud?

GS CEO Lloyd Blankfiend claims company lost big money on mortgage deals. So, crooks or fools?

Uproar over Arizona's new anti-illegal immigrant policy. Statistics show state has almost half a million illegals, who now said to be leaving in droves. So, Arizona, who's gonna pick your crops or pull your weeds?

SPCA weighs in on illegal immigrants debate, claims new law unfair to chihuahuas.

Mexican President Calderon harshly criticizes Arizona law. Senor President, perhaps you ought to pay more attention to preventing flood of immigrants coming across border and to cracking down on extremely violent illegal drug trade in Mexico which spilling over into US.

Calderon planning visit to Washington later this month. No plans to stop in Arizona first.

Birthers like Arizona law, say President Obama should have to show his birth certificate when he visits there. Or any other state, for that matter.

"60 Minutes" airs sappy report on illegals drowning in All-American Canal, a huge irrigation project between Mexico and California. At least they didn't refer to "wetbacks."

Same show also airs puffball interview with Conan O'Brien, his first since leaving NBC. Poor guy got only $32 million for being unfunny on Tonight Show and losing millions of viewers.

Comedian-in-Chief Bam Bam Obama commits stand-up at Washington dinner, gets more laughs than Jay Leno....OK, OK, I know what you're thinking....

House minority leader John Boehner claims most of good ideas in health care reform law are Republican proposals, but if Republicans win House this November, they'll push for repeal. Huh?

Republicans give up plans to filibuster financial reform bill. They block debate twice..... for what? Just enough to piss off voters? Now identified with Wall Street against Main Street. After going down blind alley.

"Drill, Barry, Drill" becomes "Still, Barry, Still" after disastrous explosion of BP rig in Gulf of Mexico. Who does BP think it is, a coal mine?

Army Lt. Col. Terence Lakin says he won't accept deployment to Afghanistan until Obama provides proof he was born in the USA. Sir, if you don't want to go to Afghanistan, just say you're gay and they'll kick you out of the military.

Stephen Hawking, one of world's leading scientists who suffers from a form of ALS, says there are aliens out there but we should not try to make contact considering what happened to native Americans when Europeans came to US. Stevie, are you off your meds again?

"Nova" shows psychological experiment where people bid $28 for a $20 bill at an auction. What they didn't tell you was that the bidders were all Pentagon procurement officers.

The Daily Show's Jon Stewart, imitating British PM Gordon Brown's criticism of opponents, says in British accent: "David, your fish have no chips. Nick, your bangers have no mash, and if I may say, both David and Nick, your dicks both spotted." For those of you who did not understand that last reference.....Spotted Dick is a classic English custard containing raisins. Because of all the humorous references, the name has been formally changed to Spotted Richard. (Who says News Update is not informative?) Get with it, Jon. Your pudding is not at all hasty. (This is a reference to....oh never mind, it's not worth it).

And now, some news from the whirl of sports:

Tiger Woods misses cut at Quail Hollow golf tournament. Really surprising Tiger would miss cut when quail involved.

NBC includes Bravo channel's "Top Chef" competition in coverage of Kentucky Derby. Somebody must have had too many mint juleps. Guess who owns Bravo? What's next,The Biggest Loser competition among jockeys on race day? Or maybe they can figure out some way to get Kim Kardashian involved...

The running of the Kentucky Derby, America's premier horse race, is called by Churchill Downs' Mark Johnson, a Brit. Well, if you're gonna outsource, better a Brit than some guy with an Indian accent. Bet you'll never hear a Yank call the Epsom Darby.

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