12/31/2007 04:20 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

News Update: Iowa Caucuses Edition

Reasons to vote for or against in Iowa:

Hillary Clinton: Already has 8 years of experience in White House, sort of. Former First Lady won in Argentina. Twofer. Are we ready for first female president?

Barack Obama: Experience factor? Most experienced presidential candidates of recent times: Richard Nixon, Lyndon Johnson, George H.W. Bush. Would be only American President with middle name Hussein. Are we ready for first black President, sort of?

John Edwards: Good hair. Hopes he can do for himself what he couldn't do for Kerry. Would be first losing vice presidential candidate to become president since FDR. Are we ready for a litigating lawyer to be president?

Dennis Kucinich: Would be first president to have seen a UFO, would have best-looking First Lady, would be first former Mayor to become president. Are we ready for first Croatian-American president?

Bill Richardson: Only candidate who has a grandfather buried in Nicaragua. Are we ready for first Mexican-American president?

Chris Dodd: Thinking man's candidate if you don't like anybody else.

Joe Biden: Hasn't plagiarized anybody else's speech during campaign. Really running for Secretary of State?

Al Gore: Write-in candidate?

Mike Gravel: Are you kidding?

Mike Huckabee: Knows how to dress up in camouflage clothes and kill innocent birds with shotgun. Might have Jesus as running mate. Only candidate whose last name appeared in major motion picture. Are we ready for another ex-governor of Arkansas to be president?

Rudy Giuliani: Has divorce vote locked up. Endorsed by Pat Robertson. No former mayor has become president (See Kucinich above) although no former mayor had a 9/11, when incumbent president went missing. Are we ready for first Italian-American President?

Mitt Romney: Didn't inherit "brainwashed' gene from father. Rivals Edwards in hair department. Rich. Are we ready for first Mormon president?

John McCain: Spent five years as POW in Hanoi. Endorsed by Joe Lieberman, ticket-killer in 2000. Spent five years as POW in Hanoi. Mother got speeding ticket for driving 112mph in Arizona at age 92. Spent five years as POW in Hanoi. Are we ready for another 71-year-old president?

Fred Thompson: We wouldn't ever elect an actor as president, now would we?

Ron Paul: Would delight late-night comedians who could make jokes about wife's fish sticks.

Duncan Hunter: Would build bigger anti-immigrant fence along Mexican border than anyone else. Has Chuck Yeager's endorsement. You didn't know Chuck Yeager was still alive?

Mike Bloomberg: Smart enough to stay out of Iowa and New Hampshire. Really rich. Watch out. Are we ready for first Jewish president?

Time magazine named YOU as Person of the Year in 2006 -- one year early. Any reader/viewer who has survived presidential debates and Iowa caucuses and New Hampshire primary campaign deserves to be Person of the Year.

Iowa caucuses this week. If you take them seriously, you should be disenfranchised. And if you take the media frenzy over the results seriously, you should surrender your citizenship. Reminder: Iowa was where Jimmy Carter was "discovered."

Happy New Year? Not a chance with all that campaigning lying ahead.