News Update

11/14/2005 11:52 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

President Bush says, "We do not torture." Vice President Dick Cheney says, It all depends on what the meaning of "not" is.

The President's approval rating goes South, below 40%. The President himself goes South -- to Latin America -- And discovers his approval ratings translate into Spanish.

Bush says of Latin American Summit that it's difficult being a host -- especially being host to him. Not as difficult as it is having him as President.

The President failed to get agreement on a Latin American Trade Agreement. But the trip wasn't a total failure. At least he got attacked by two Casstro-kissers, a Venezuelan populist fruitcake and Diego Maradona, a cokehead former soccer star.

Military spokesman in Iraq berates media for "artifical mark" of 2000 deaths there. Sorry, sir, but what's really artificial is the rationale for being there in the first place.

Bush and others warn of Avian Flu Pandemic. Is that why Chicken Little is doing so well at the box office?

Kansas State Board of Education approves teaching of "Intelligent Design" theory of human evolution. Toto, we're back in Oz.

Dover, Pennsylvania, fires Education Board members supporting "intelligent design," is warned by Archconservative Evangelist Pat Robertson about the coming wrath of God. Not to worry, Dover. Robertson doesn't know what "intelligent" means.

Oil company executives appear before Congress to justify exorbitant profits, reject calls for "windfall profits" tax. After all, they still have to contribute to the Scooter Libby Defense Fund. (Cartoonist Bill Schorr cartoon line: "Have you noticed ever since oil hit $60 a barrel, we haven't been bothered by any tanker spills?")

Two cheerleaders for Carolina Panthers fired after allegedly having sex in a ladies' room. Not to worry. The Minnesota Vikings are hiring.

President Bush recently had lunch with Bono to discuss world poverty. Next, lunch with Mick Jagger to discuss Social Security and Medicare?

Alleged reporter Judy Miller "resigns" from New York Times. Just like Michael Brown "resigned" from FEMA. Miller is to WMD in Iraq as Walter Duranty was to Joseph Stalin as Herb Matthews was to Fidel Castro. All the news that's fit to get absolutely wrong?