News Update

12/18/2005 10:37 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

President Bush takes responsibility for pre-Iraq War intelligence failures. Which puts him in position to win Presidential Medal of Freedom?

Bush says about 30,000 Iraqis have died since American invasion. White House says figure comes from newspaper reports. And you thought he got his information from the CIA.

Bush admits allowing NSA to spy domestically, calls revelation of classified information illegal. There’s illegal, and then there’s illegal.

Iraqi turnout for Parliamentary elections 70%. Democracy Accomplished. Now let’s go home.

Bush says Tom DeLay is innocent. Of course. He’s from Texas.

Columnist Robert “No Facts” Novak, fired by CNN, hired by Fox News. Now officially a member of the GOP publicity department.

President of Iran denies Holocaust, repeats call for elimination of Israel. Don’t they have Zoloft in Tehran?

Mel Gibson producing documentary on Holocaust. Let’s hope Daddy Gibson won’t be an advisor.

Former Enron CEO Ken Lay goes on offensive to deny culpability in one of largest corporate scams in history. The Saddam Hussein defense? Where’s Ramsey Clark when you need him?

Magician David Copperfield says he will impregnate a woman without ever touching her. Been there, done that. Kid was named Jesus. Merry Christmas.

Right-wing Christian organizations call for boycott of major retailers for wishing customers Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Now that’s the good old Christmas spirit!

Local NAACP leader in Philadelphia criticizes Philadelphia Eagles QB Donovan McNabb as “mediocre,” says black quarterbacks who scramble are “lesser field generals”. Must be popping same pills as Rush Limbaugh.

New York City establishes Rodent Control Center to deal with proliferation of rats. No policy yet formulated to deal with proliferation of two-legged variety.