03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Nov. 23, 2009, News Update

NOV. 23, 2009, NEWS UPDATE

President Obama meets with President of China. Who's the President of China? That's right. What's right? Hu's the President of China. That's what I'M asking. And the answer is, Hu's the President of China. Oh Forget it! (With apologies to Abbott and Costello).

Obama criticized for bowing before Japanese Emperor, echoing complaints when he bowed before Saudi Prince. Sir, with all due respect, we fought a revolution so we didn't have to kowtow to "royalty." In the future, limiting yourself to a good firm handshake might be advisable.

In September, Japan elected new Prime Minister, whose wife claims she was once abducted by aliens, her soul has visited Venus ("very beautiful...very green place) and she knew Tom Cruise in a previous life. Makes Michelle look soooo boring.

Senate votes to debate historic health INSURANCE Reform bill on floor. No debate about big bucks ahead for lobbyists. No Republican Senators vote in favor, except for Schmoe Lieberman. They all voted for Napoleon Obama's Waterloo. The "world's greatest deliberative body" will now deliberate the bill to death.

Insurance lobbyists going into overdrive during debate. Could it be that insurance industry is concerned about losing its anti-trust exemption and having to compete on rates instead of fixing them?

Two separate reports recommend changes in cancer screening for women, raising suggested age for mammograms and pap tests and increasing time between tests. Wonder how much the insurance industry paid for that?

Sean Hannity caught using file footage to make GOP anti-health care reform rally in DC look larger. Explanation: You seen one protest, you seen'em all.

Faux News then caught using file footage to make Sarah Palin book tour crowd look larger. As Faux puts it, We deceive, you decide. Memo to Roger Ailes: The Daily Show is supposed to be the fake news show. Stay outta their sandbox.

Palin all over television (and print) on her book tour. But no interview with Katie Couric. Hmmm, wonder why? Book entitled "Going Rogue." Also considered: "Payback Time." Sold 300,000 copies first day. More like Going Ape. Publisher Harper Collins still nervous she'll quit tour halfway through.

O/R Publishing comes out with "Going Rouge: An American Nightmare." Most Palin supporters can't tell difference.

Tennis great Andre Agassi publishes autobiography, admits using crystal meth, says he "hated" tennis during much of his life. Imagine what he would have done if he'd actually liked playing. Blogger says he knew something was wrong when he divorced Brooke Shields.

Bernie Madoff's golf clubs auctioned off for $3600. What, no golf course at Butner Federal Prison? No more putts-or calls-for Bernie. Did you know John Rigas, ex-CEO of Adelphia Communications, is also there. Awful lot of fraud in one place.

Glittery glove Michael Jackson wore when he premiered moonwalk dance auctioned off for $350,000. Take that, Madoff! Does buyer understand that owning glove doesn't mean he can automatically do the dance?

New York Times commissions study which shows word "douche" used 76 times this year on 26 prime-time shows. Now that's some really hard-hitting journalism for ya.

Chairman of Goldman Sachs quoted as saying he's doing "God's work." Problem is, the God is Mammon.

Goldman scores 200 units of scarce vaccine for DH1N1 flu, which used to be called Swine flu until pork industry objected. In this case, it was vaccine for pigs among the bulls and bears.

Despite economic downturn, Donald Trump upgrades to bigger private plane. Doesn't really need it. Just wants to see his name in bigger letters. If he ever became president, you suppose he'd rename the White House?

Baseball slugger Sammy Sosa shows up in public several shades lighter. Gives new meaning to baseball bleachers.

Jennifer Lopez takes tumble performing at AMA Awards. No big deal. Just simple case of falling on her asset.

In The Game (yeah, that's what they call it) Yale loses to Harvard in final minutes after fake punt deep in own territory fails. Who do they think they are, the New England Patriots? Whaddya mean, You're not into Ivy League football? They have student-athletes too.

Motor Trend Magazine names Ford Fusion as 2010 "Car of the Year." Can you stand the excitement?

"Twilight Saga: New Moon" has third largest moving opening in history, behind Batman and Spiderman. Well, Bite My Neck!

US Post Office announces it won't send "Dear Santa" letters to North Pole, then reverses decision. Yes, Virginia, what do you think of that?

Notre Dame football team loses to Uconn. Knute Rockne punting in his grave. Bye, bye, Charlie Weis.

Question of the week: When the hell did hamburgers become "sliders"?