Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Richard Valeriani Headshot

October 16 News Update

Posted: Updated:

United Nations tells North Korea it's naughty for conducting nuclear test. Only effective sanction would be to cut off importation of Western hookers for Kim Jong Il.

North Korean leader known at White House as Kim Jong Ill. As in mentally ill.

Bush says he will not talk directly to North Korea. White House explains he doesn't even speak North Korean.

Sen. John McCain blames Bill Clinton for North Korea's nuclear test. Senator, in case you haven't been paying attention, George Bush has been in office for the past five and a half years. Plus, you ain't gonna be elected President by carrying George Bush's water. Not even heavy water.

McCain refers to Hillary as "Mrs." Clinton, not Senator. That ain't gonna help either, Mr. McCain.

Republicans deny cover-up in Foley scandal, blame Clinton.

Senior British General says British forces should leave Iraq "soon." Rumsfeld trying to figure out how to get him fired.

Rumsfeld finally agrees to let Army ask Congress directly for more money and more men. Golly gee--Only about three years too late.

US Army said to be making plans to keep US forces in Iraq until 2010. Do they know Bush is out of office in Jan. 2009?

Mark Warner says he won't run for President in 2008. Republicans blame Clinton--both of them.

South Korean diplomat voted in as next UN Secretary General. Talk about not having a tough act to follow.

Secret list used to screen airline passengers for terrorists includes some of the dead 9/11 hijackers. You laugh, but if those bastards ever try to sneak into this country again, we've got'em covered.

Controversial Turkish novelist awarded Nobel Prize for Literature. And Muslims don't even riot in the streets.

Bangledeshi economist wins Nobel Peace Prize for providing small loans to impoverished would-be entrepreneurs, including women. And Muslims don't even riot in the streets-- as long as women remain veiled.

Congress passes bill to outlaw internet gambling. Good to see they have their priorities straight.

Joan Rivers says Mel Gibson should be "f.....g dead." What a class act. Too bad her mouth and face couldn't move when she said it.

Republican Congressman Chris Shays says that unlike Chappaquidick, nobody died in the Cong. Foley scandal. Is Joan Rivers writing his material?

Several football players suspended after brawl between Miami and Florida International players. Always good to see "student-athletes" in action.

Freak autumn blizzard clobbers Buffalo. Republicans blame Clinton.