SEPT. 29, 2008, NEWS UPDATE
President Bush calls legislative leaders to White House to spur progress on massive federal bailout of financial industry. Bailout goes down the tubes. Quackier, quackier, quackier, quackier.
House rejects bailout. Ronald Reagan lives: "Government is not the solution, government is the problem." Let's see about that.
Barack Obama and John McCain hold first debate. McCain never looks at Obama. Well, they all look alike anyway.
Obama said to pass test of looking presidential. McCain said to pass test of not looking too old to be presidential.
Sarah Palin interviewed by Katie Couric. Makes Tina Fey look good.
McCain briefly suspends campaign to fly back to Washington to "rescue" bailout agreement. Or to rescue sagging campaign? Grandstanding ends up in bleachers. Palin says, who needs him?
Palin visits New York, gets Cliff Notes on Foreign Policy 101. Steven Colbert notes she can see Russian Tea Room from her hotel room.
Palin meets with Henry Kissinger, who's charmed by her charming him by complimenting his charming accent. "Is that German?"
Laura Bush says Sarah Palin "quick study" on foreign policy. Unlike her husband.
Congress finally comes up with bailout plan of $700 billion.
Only 16 countries in world have larger GDP's than that.
House leader Nancy Pelosi describes deal as "buy-in" not bailout. Which means taxpayers are bought in, Wall Street bought out.
Monumental financial crisis caused by Masters of the Universe, now Mistresses of Debt. How did so many MBA's become MBA...holes?
Next commentator who links Wall Street to Main Street will be forced to buy Lehman Brothers stock.
Lance Armstrong returns to bike racing to make another try at winning Tour de France. That's after exhausting Tour de Sleeping with celebrity women.
Reports from Cuba say Fidel Castro has slept with 35,000 women during almost 50 years in power. Either that, or he's gay. Take that, Bill Clinton. New Washington poll: 10,000 women asked if they would sleep with Clinton. 9,000 say not again.
China sends man into space. China apparently feels that to be taken seriously as a world power, it must burn millions of dollars on wasteful space programs as the US and Russia do.