Who are you prosecuting?
The practice: drop the case.
Why?
Lately I've been thinking about a kind of "case" that's been running in my mind about someone in my extended family. The case is a combination of feeling hurt and mistreated, critique of the other person, irritation with others who haven't supported me, views about what should happen that hasn't, and implicit taking-things-personally.
In other words, the usual mess.
It's not that I have not been mistreated -- actually, I have been -- nor that my analysis of things is inaccurate (others agree that what I see does in fact exist). The problem is that my case is saturated with negative emotions like anger, biased toward my own viewpoint, and full of me-me-me. Every time I think of it, I start getting worked up, adding to the bad effects of chronic stress. It creates awkwardness with others, because even though they support me, they're naturally leery of getting sucked into my strong feelings or into my conflict with the other person. It makes me look bad, too cranked up about things in the past. And it primes me for overreactions when I see the person in question. Yes, I practice with this stuff arising in my mind and generally don't act it out, but it's still a burden.
I think my own experience of case-making -- and its costs -- are true in general. In couples in trouble, one or both people usually have a detailed Bill of Particulars against the other person. At larger scales, different social or political groups have scathing indictments of the other side.
How about you? Think of someone you feel wronged by: can you find a case against that person in your mind? What's it feel like to go into that case? What does it cost you? And others?
The key -- often not easy -- is to be open to your feelings (e.g., hurt, anger), to see the truth of things, and to take appropriate action -- while not getting caught up in your case about it all.
How?
Bring to awareness a case about someone -- probably related to a grievance, resentment or conflict. It could be from your present or your past, resolved or still grinding. Explore this case, including the version of events in it, other beliefs and opinions, emotions, body sensations and wants; notice how you see the other person, and yourself; notice what you want from others (sometimes their seeming failings are a related case). For a moment or two, in your mind or out loud, get into the case; really make it! Then notice what that's like to get revved up into your case.
Mentally or on paper, list some of the costs to you and others of making this particular case. Next, list the payoffs to you; in other words, what do you get out of making this case? For example, making a case typically makes us feel in the right, is energizing and helps cover over softer, vulnerable emotions like hurt or disappointment. Then ask yourself: are the payoffs worth the costs?
With this understanding, see if you can stay with the difficult feelings involved in the situation (the basis for the case) without slipping into a reproachful or self-righteous case about them. To do this, it could help to start by resourcing yourself by bringing to mind the felt sense of being cared about by others, and by opening to self-compassion. And try to hold those difficult feelings in a big space of awareness.
Open to a wider, more impersonal, big picture view of the situation, so that it's less about you and more about lots of swirling causes coming together in unfortunate ways. See if any kind of deeper insight about the other person, yourself or the situation altogether comes to you.
Listen to your heart: are there any skillful actions to take, Including naming the truth of things, disengaging from tunnels with no cheese, or the action of there-is-nothing-that-can-be-done?
Watch how a case starts forming in your mind, trying to get its hooks into you. Then see if you can interrupt the process. Literally set down the case, like plopping down a heavy suitcase when you finally get home after a long trip. What a relief!
Enjoy the good feelings, the spaciousness of mind, the openness of heart, the inner freedom, and other rewards of dropping your case.
when i let them back into my life, they simply picked up where they left off.
they see no reason to change
and i can't change enough.
it is the conundrum of my life.
We naturally want to avoid emotional pain, and sad feelings are painful. Going to the kernel of sadness is the most direct way forward. Try it and you'll see for yourself.
I decided to drop the case and "let her keep my money" because I did not want the media noise nor did I want to support more media involvement for Kate. They say even bad press is better than no press. I do not agree. Many folks were angry that she was not held accountable while others really acknowledged the fact that I took the high road.
It is weeks later and every so often I have a tinge of annoynace that I let the issue go. However, for the most part I know I did the right thing. I call it energy management.
Sylvia Lafair author "Don't Bring It to Work"
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OK.
I'm thinking of Bin Laden.
And I'm very glad we spent the time and money to hunt him down and kill him.
http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/defenses-against-shame
Joseph Burgo PhD
Clinical Psychologist, Blogger
"but when I focus on my own process as I begin to prosecute, I generally find that I've contributeÂd in some way to the problem, or that I'm using the stream of repetitive blaming language in my thoughts to ward of something else I feel bad about. Acceptance of responsibiÂlity and facing my shame tends to put a stop to the internal prosecutioÂn and all the damaging effects you describe so well."
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oh yes this bit of truth most people would love to burn toss over a cliff, anything to get rid of it. but bucking up and looking where we might have had some hand in it is a tremendous relief...of course you can have a incredibly psychotic family that just like to pick and run rip shod on the emotional runt. sometimes this does happen. but this isn't the case in the vast majority of family throw downs. ive just been thru this and came out on the other side. a 12 yr rift and i saw my family this last weekend. so i can say confidently you are right. best thing is. i got to see the kids. stopping now as i am getting misty.
The key is that (in most cases, I presume) what we get out of it - mostly covering over softer emotions of disappointment - can be saved by at least one of the three "actions" of
"naming the truth of things, disengaging from tunnels with no cheese, or the action of there-is-nothing-that-can-be-done"
Maybe one of the reasons why it can be so mind-bogglingly difficult is because mostly, we believe the problem comes from the fact that the "saving" actions seem to imply a loss. But it's usually not so. The loss has already occured and it was the disappointment, as you say, often in what bystanders didn't do. "All" we need to decide is which of the three actions is appropriate.
Best Regards,
DINESH R MAKWANA (DREAMWORDS AND INORBITS)