Another BP Brainstorm

"A House energy panel investigation has found that the blowout preventer that failed to stop a huge oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico had a dead battery in its control pod, leaks in its hydraulic system, a 'useless' test version of a key component and a cutting tool that wasn't strong enough to shear through steel joints in the well pipe and stop the flow of oil."
-- Washington Post

On the other hand, don't the words "top hat" have a certain elegance about them?

So much nicer than "containment dome," don't you think? You can almost see something called "top hat" gliding effortlessly to the very bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, scoping out the scene a mile below the surface, and then, with sophisticated professionalism -- or is it professional sophistication? -- and a few bars of Irving Berlin or Cole Porter in the background, coming to a stop precisely where it needs to come to a stop, and taking control. Setting things right.

Of course, this particular "top hat" is doing no such thing -- the oil is still gushing, thousands and thousands of gallons of it every day -- but it's nice to dream, isn't it? Kind of takes your mind off the shrimp you won't be eating, and the tar balls washing onto the beaches.

Perhaps it'll even take your mind off "junk shot."

"Junk shot" is the furthest thing from elegance -- even further from elegance than "containment dome" was. "Junk shot" is what the boys from BP have waiting in the wings once it becomes clear that "top hat" isn't quite up to dealing with the spill either.

"Junk shot" is Option C, after "containment dome" and "top hat." Or maybe we should be counting "blowout preventer" as Option A, in which case "containment dome" and "top hat" are really Options B and C, which makes "junk shot" Option D. Unless, of course, they come up with something else in the meantime, which is entirely possible, in which case...

They do seem to be making this up as they go along, don't they? Or do you think that something called "junk shot" represents the triumph of scientific inquiry and environmental stewardship?

"Junk shot" meaning -- and I'm paraphrasing here -- "jamming a lot of stuff into the hole."

Now why didn't we think of that?! You've got a broken well pipe and a gusher that threatens to bring on a decades-long nightmare for the entire Gulf region and everyone whose livelihood depends on it. All your fancy equipment has been of absolutely no use in shutting the gusher down.

So how about some golf balls?

Some golf balls, and some shredded rubber tires -- just shove 'em down into the hole and maybe that'll make it stop. That's what the boys from BP are thinking. Seriously.

That's what a "junk shot" is: golf balls, and shredded rubber tires. With some heavy mud on top. (Can't forget the heavy mud -- that's called a "top kill.")

Sure.

Do you find yourself wondering whether a gazillion-dollar operation like the oil industry might have been smarter to think things through a little more carefully before it all went horribly wrong? To come up with a better emergency plan than golf balls and shredded tires?

Personally -- and I'm no expert -- I'm thinking umbrella parts and Etch A Sketch dials. Shoe laces. Moose antlers. (Not too big, though -- they have to fit into the hole.) Bubble wrap. Canned vegetables. Refrigerator magnets. You know, the good stuff.

And if all else fails, some of the boys from BP.

They deserve a closer look.

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Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at [e-mail].

 

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Comments

[Sean Adams]

11:15 AM on 05/26/2010

I have worked handling both sulphur and cryogenics and there are occasions where certian product will plug a line CO2 will cause a plug when you don't maintain a certian pressure, Sulphur will plug if you don't maintain a certian temp sulphur plug is somewhat fast you have a brick that you can't hammer out. Only heat and time usually a steam bath to dissolve the plug. Some cryo products are colder than others when in liquid state others can produce heat when exchanged too quickly into tubes. Design a hose that will transport sulphur that requires steam to maintain flow cryo requires steady tenp to prevent boil off fail to maintain that temp you have a gas. IDK if a tank can be lowered to bottom containing cryo or if sulphur can be heated at that depth to liquify enough to add to head where it can solidify.

[Sean Adams]

10:30 AM on 05/26/2010

Place the cryo collar around well head place a sulphur hose in the pipe start the sulphur flow turn on the cryo creating a plug leaving the hose filled with sulphur.

[Sean Adams]

10:25 AM on 05/26/2010

Create a dome that will fill with cryogenics and freeze the well head effectively stopping the flow once you stop the flow you can cement the thing pack with mud you make a plug you will have some time before the plug will dislodge If temps are so low at those depths pump sulphur to the thing once the flow is stopped and let that sulphur cool you will not get that plug out until you heat to the menting point of sulpher ~300 degrees. Make a dome that would encapusulate the well head pump sulphur and cryo the sulphur.
Place a cryo collar around well head place dome over well head back fill well head with sulphur add cryogenics freezing the sulphur.

[Sean Adams]

10:11 AM on 05/26/2010

Sean Adams The issue with the dome is water mixing with the natural gas at pressure causing ice crystalization. Take the dome that you already made install a black flush on it so when it is placed over the well head you will fill dome with oil this way you have only what you want in the dome. At the base have a way for cryogenic...s to freeze the water that tries to get in freezing the dome to the gulf floor effectively preventing contamination of product with water. While dome is at sea level install heating elements that could melt any potential freezes that may result. Install temp probes at various levels to insure the cryogenics don't freeze the entire dome and only the base to the gulf floor. If we are dealing with freezing add heat if you want freezing remove heat. This can be figured out with what you already have there. We have dive ships with helium tanks on board if you want a cheaper gas or cryo use nitrogen right now just use anything to stop the flow.

[Neets101]

11:11 AM on 05/14/2010

Tidy Cat.

[Dr Juan]

08:30 AM on 05/15/2010

Sounds more effective than than anything BP has come up with!

BP = Bandaid Planning