If the rest of life resembled politics...
"Good morning, and welcome aboard United Flight 382, with service to Chicago -- my name is Terry, and we're glad you're with us today! I'll be ably assisted here on the flight deck today by Mitch, who's the first lieutenant, or the co-captain, or whatever they call it. And back in the cabin, we've got a few more folks whose names I can't remember, but they're ready to make sure your trip is nice and comfortable.
"Our estimated flying time to Chicago is just around two hours, and we'll be cruising at an altitude of...of...30,000 feet, more or less -- I think that's what I heard. Maybe 35,000.
"I'm really excited to be here today -- you know, this is the first time I've ever tried to fly a plane, but I've got plenty of common-sense values, so those big thunderstorms up ahead shouldn't be any kind of problem. Now, if you'll just sit back and -- "
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" -- think about your options. Finding out you have clogged arteries around your heart can be scary. And bypass surgery may sound like a complex procedure, but it's one that thousands and thousands of people successfully undergo every year -- you'll be amazed at how much better you feel!
"The key is to find someone you have confidence in, and I'm confident that I'm that person. Unlike some of the people you may be considering, I'm not one of those career cardiologists. In fact, I'm not a cardiologist at all -- I'm a small-business owner, just like you are. But I figure cutting fat out of your arteries isn't all that different from cutting fat out of a company payroll, so there's -- "
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" -- no reason you should ever have to worry about this country's food supply. The farmers who grow our food, and the processors who make it ready for market, are good, hard-working people, with good, hard-working American values. Even more important, every chicken, every piece of meat that makes it onto our shelves has to be looked at first by someone wearing a white lab coat.
"Are they professional food inspectors? Certainly not! And that's all the assurance you need. Instead of getting hung up on those complicated details about bacteria and microbes and such, our staff of absolute amateurs is eager to tackle the problem of food safety with new approaches. To bring sensible solutions. We're -- "
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" -- so proud to have won the contract to build this beautiful bridge. I can't wait for the day it's soaring proudly over this magnificent canyon, bringing progress and prosperity to millions of our friends and neighbors.
"They say this bridge is going to be an engineering marvel, and I'm sure that's true -- which is why it's so exciting that you didn't hire an engineer to do it.
"I'm an outsider. I have no engineering experience whatever. I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night! And I can't wait to get my hands on some of this great equipment, especially that big hammery thing over there. I -- "
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" -- don't have a clue, which is why I'm -- "
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" -- exactly the man for the job."
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Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.