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Rip Empson

Entries by Rip Empson

13 Sportscasters Who Make Us Wish We Were Deaf

(70) Comments | Posted November 16, 2010 | 9:05 AM

Sports broadcasting, not unlike other media, is guilty of producing an extraordinary amount of hot air. The noise pollution it generates on a daily basis is threatening our precious athletic ecosystems - ESPN, for example, spills more crude waste into our atmosphere in a single day than BP could manage...

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The 9 Best Rappers Under 16 (VIDEOS)

(116) Comments | Posted October 3, 2010 | 12:53 PM

Though humanity's musical tastes and preferences have always been unpredictable and surprising (really, people? Milli Vanilli? Michael-F*CKING-BOLTON?!?!) there is one thing you will be able to tell our future robot overlords with absolute certainty: When it comes to music, we LOVES us some child stars (bonus points for including them...

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Americans Wish Limbaugh Would Take a Vacation to Spain, Mars

(2) Comments | Posted August 7, 2010 | 8:18 AM

First Lady Michelle Obama has been taking some heat lately for embarking on an expensive vacation to Spain, the Journal of Insignificant Non-Issues reported today.

Though the Journal of Insignificant Non-Issues is highly respected in its field due to a near-flawless record of identifying fiddle-faddle, small potatoes,...

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The Atmosphere is Shrinking and Scientists are Baffled

(12) Comments | Posted August 4, 2010 | 4:48 AM

Dear Citizens of Earth,

So, it appears science is up to its old tricks again: Scientists Baffled By Unusual Upper Atmosphere Shrinkage, CNN reports. Whoa whoa whoa, scientists being baffled is not news. That's their natural state. If they weren't baffled by something, they wouldn't be scientists. What caused...

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An Open Letter from BP[Updated]

(2) Comments | Posted July 22, 2010 | 5:59 AM

UPDATE, July 26, 2010, LONDON, United Kingdom.

To Today's Haters:

I think there's one thing we can all agree on: accidents happen. Sometimes they happen a lot, actually. Did you know that there are more than 6 million traffic accidents each year and that 29 million people will visit the...

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Bernie Gets a Faceful of Justice

(4) Comments | Posted March 19, 2010 | 10:03 PM

In perhaps the most unsurprising news since Tiger's decision to return for the Masters, Lenny Dykstra losing all of his money to late night infomercials, or Jim Cramer being under investigation by the SEC, The Wall Street Journal is reporting that Bernie Madoff got his nose broke and...

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Toyota Recalls Time When You Were So Happy Together

(5) Comments | Posted March 12, 2010 | 10:53 PM

WASHINGTON -- Toyota may recall happier times and leisurely drives through the country, but the bad news keeps rolling in for the prominent Japanese automaker, as the company announced Tuesday that it will likely issue a recall on all Prius models made between 2004 and 2009.

The announcement came...

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Dear Tiger: An Email from Caddy to Employer

(0) Comments | Posted December 22, 2009 | 2:05 AM

Below are excerpts from a few leaked emails written by Steve Williams this week to his boss, Tiger Woods. Read on at your own risk.

Oh hey Tiger,

It's me, Steve. Your caddy. Hey. Cigarette?


First of all, let me just send my best wishes to you...

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HuffPost Review: Wanda Sykes's 'I'ma Be Me' (VIDEO)

(82) Comments | Posted October 10, 2009 | 8:16 AM

When Wanda Sykes is talking, people listen. Maybe that's because her pointed tone, volume, and no-bullshit attitude make her impossible to ignore. Of course, when it comes to admonishment comedy, Sykes without a doubt ranks among the best. One can only hope that God has a sense of humor and...

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Mike Birbiglia Talks Red Carpets, His Awkwardness, And Dust-Bustering In His Sleep

(2) Comments | Posted August 25, 2009 | 7:36 PM

On August 14th, comedian and storyteller Mike Birbiglia embarked on his third nationwide stand-up tour, "Comedy Central Live Starring Mike Birbiglia: I'm in the Future Also." Birbiglia isn't quite old enough not to be in the future, but, despite his young age, he's been on the...

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Journalism 'Had About Enough' of All This '@#$%&'

(3) Comments | Posted March 22, 2009 | 5:11 PM

NEW YORK -- The Associated Press released a statement yesterday informing the nation that Journalism, the beleaguered profession of news-gatherers and reporters, was 'sick and tired of being sick and tired' and has had it up to 'here' with y'all's 'bleep-ing bull-bleep.'

Of late, the traditional media in which Journalism...

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Michael Phelps Apologizes to Bong For Hitting It So Hard

(10) Comments | Posted February 2, 2009 | 4:25 PM

BALTIMORE -- In a shocking admission of guilt, Michael Phelps, 14-time gold medalist and star of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, released a statement through his agent yesterday in which he admitted to and apologized for his criminal behavior. The confession came after a photograph emerged in British tabloids...

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How City Living Makes Us Stupid

(11) Comments | Posted January 12, 2009 | 3:24 PM

Cities have long been thought of as incubators of progress. In his Great Society speech in 1964, Lyndon Johnson reminded Americans of the growing importance of cities to national and societal development, calling them "the frontiers of imagination and innovation." A similar perspective, albeit five decades prior, was shared by...

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Wherein I Imagine Obama's Transition Team Vetting Head Speechwriter Jon Favreau

(0) Comments | Posted December 12, 2008 | 11:53 AM

Background: If you haven't seen the picture of Jon Favreau (Obama's head speechwriter) that emerged on Facebook of him and a friend groping a cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton, see it here and read about the incident here.

Setting: Chicago, Obama's Basement, empty, dark, and threatening --...

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On the Spitz: Former Gov. Emerges, With His Own Column

(2) Comments | Posted December 7, 2008 | 1:01 AM has just announced that it is welcoming a new columnist into the fold: former governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. For those of you with amnesia, Mr. Spitzer resigned on March 12 of this year amidst allegations of providing "illicit loans" to a prostitution service, Emperors Club VIP....

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Obama's Updated Fireside Chats, Sports Analogies, and Change in Washington

(1) Comments | Posted November 18, 2008 | 9:53 AM

I'm just as awe-struck as the next American by Barack Obama's unprecedented campaign and election, but in case you've been spelunking for the past year and haven't noticed, the country is in a bit of a "situation" right now. And like many Americans, I'm still a bit worried about the...

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Katt Williams Misses Late Night, Causes Confusion, Gets Arrested

(5) Comments | Posted November 10, 2008 | 9:15 AM

On Wednesday, with less than a day to digest the historic election of Barack Obama, another historic event occurred, albeit one that pales in comparison to the Presidential Election. For the first time in fifteen years, a scheduled guest was a no-show on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. The missing...

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