THE BLOG
08/04/2010 04:48 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Atmosphere is Shrinking and Scientists are Baffled

Dear Citizens of Earth,

So, it appears science is up to its old tricks again: Scientists Baffled By Unusual Upper Atmosphere Shrinkage, CNN reports. Whoa whoa whoa, scientists being baffled is not news. That's their natural state. If they weren't baffled by something, they wouldn't be scientists. What caused the Big Bang? Is Africa taller than South America? Ever heard of a little thing called a "Marmot"?

See, science is baffling. It'll baffle you silly. It'll baffle you all over and you'll feel gross afterward.

But I'm also curious and I like cats and so does science. So, seriously, where's the upper atmosphere?

Check behind the drapes!

Again, I'm no scientist but seems to me that it's kind of hard to lose an entire atmosphere ... just sayin ... or maybe this should be something we put a few people on? At least Ted from Sales. He's always looking for work; kind of a shifty fella. 'Cause it's not like we can just mosey on down to the local Atmosphere Store and pick up a fresh one. Maybe that's the "Beyond" part of Bed, Bath, and Beyond, but probably not. I think it's just rip-off kitchen stuff your girlfriend makes you look at.

Anyway, luckily it's not like too many people had even heard of this "Thermosphere" ... and what's more ... it appears this shrinkage isn't even going to affect our daily lives! It is news, though. NEWS. Keep this in mind before you ask any more editorial questions, buster.

One thing in particular I'm curious about is, why, if scientists are baffled, are they so sure that the shrinkage isn't going to affect our daily lives? A ha! There has to be a quiet addendum to this statement that we're not hearing. Oh, all the plants could die, but that's really worst case scenario? Just spit-balling here, People of Earth? The article does mention that the atmosphere dissipating may be a problem for satellites. So, I hope you didn't sign that DirecTV contract. My guess is that "loss of atmosphere" wasn't in the stipulations in your contract. But, again, I'm not a lawyer.

I'll tell you what I am, though. I'm still baffled. I'm also a guy who loves CNN. No, they're not paying me. Stupid question.

More importantly, I think it's a little rude to mention that the upper atmosphere is suffering from shrinkage. Space is cold. The atmosphere is normally bigger than that. It's the motion in the ocean that counts. Not the size of the fish in your underpants, if you catch my proverbial drift.

Listen, I'm gonna start puttin' up fliers on telephone poles, askin' around; see if anyone's got any leads on this AWOL atmosphere. Talked to a kid who thought he'd seen it hangin around with Suzie Butcher's little brother. So you know what THAT means.

Point is ... being baffled won't solve anything, and this atmosphere ain't gonna find itself, so join me. Let's bring back the upper atmosphere with good ole fashioned hard work and pavement poundin ... you don't want the Chinese finding it first do you? Do YOU? For Chrissake, they already beat us to the Moon!

So let's find that atmosphere, and while we're at it, take back the moon, the news -- and in so doing -- take the "waffle" out of "baffled."

Who's WITH me?

Sincerely,

Concerned Party