02/01/2007 08:24 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Big Heat in Toontown

First they came for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force, but I didn't speak up because I wasn't a crimefighting fast food item.

The police in Boston wildly overreacted, tying up the town and throwing people into a panic because some viral marketers for a cartoon show left modified toys around town. The toys are called Lite Brites and they've been popular for forty years. Ask any ten-year-old, or contact the HasBro company directly.

Thank God they didn't find a Speak and Spell. They'd probably have called in a hostage team to negotiate with it.

Then they came for Space Ghost Coast-to-Coast but I didn't speak up because I wasn't an extraterrestrial talk show host. (FYI - Zorak rules.)

Now they're indicting those marketers, although the judge said in the first hearing that he doubts they intended to cause panic. These guys would've needed to know that police would react this way in Boston, although there was no problem in any of the other cities where they placed these toys.

Without intent, these charges won't stick. I think the judge's comment was legalspeak for "stop grandstanding and wasting this court's time" - but I could be wrong since I'm not a lawyer. Let's ask Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law.

Then they came for Harvey Birdman, Attorney-at-Law, but I didn't speak up because I wasn't a winged law-practicing superhero.

I've done a little work with viral marketing firms and, believe me, these guys have won the alternative-marketing lottery and they know it. You can't buy this kind of publicity.

And before you say it: Yes, I know we have to be vigilant against terror. But that's no defense for the keen minds at Boston Legal. If these things looked so dangerous, then why did they leave them there for two weeks?

Then they came for the gang at "Peanuts," but I didn't speak up because I wasn't an adorable but slightly neurotic half-child/half-adult.

("You guys'll never make this stick," said Pigpen. "I'm clean." The cops just laughed and said "Get in the van, wise guy.")

The marketing guys had the time of their lives at their press conference today. They said they would only answer questions about 70's-style haircuts. Hey. We all had hair like that then.

Then they came for Spongebob Squarepants, because he practiced the love that dare not speak its name.

Dear God in Heaven, where will this all end? Is there no end to the silliness?

To really protect ourselves against terror we need to a) avoid false alarms whenever possible, b) investigate suspicious objects before going into full SWAT mode, c) react calmly if we're proven wrong, and d) make sure we don't indict people without reason to believe they're really terrorists.

This DA is doing all of the above - backwards! Either he's from Bizarro World, or he wants to replace Alberto Gonzales.

Then they came for me, and there was no one left to speak up for me - or for the citizens of a town led by somebody who's behaving like a cartoon himself.

And I won't be busted out of jail by my do-gooder pals. They got the Super Friends last week.

Freely adapted from my post at Crooks & Liars, where we've got video of the marketers' news conference.

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