"Stephen Colbert," Prepare to Be "Blogged"

Mr. Colbert, you are about to meet the phenomenon known as the "blogger." That's right. The people who brought down Dan Rather from the right and are gunning for Tim Russert (and all the rest of them) from the left now have their eyes on ... you. So, before we put you and your kind out of our misery forever, let me do what villains in comic books do ... and indulge in a lengthy exposition about exactly who it is that's about to destroy you.

The dominant personality characteristic of the blogger is a fierce sense of independence. That's why several of us are writing about you at the same time. We do that, but don't think we're "running with the herd." No, this is what we call "blogswarming," where -- like tiny flying insects -- we gather together to bring down our prey.

How does it feel, Mr. Colbert, to be on the receiving end? Frightening, isn't it? (In fact, it was just such a blogswarm that brought down the Bush Administration over the Downing Street memos.)

So when we turn our collective eyes on you, you better put your defenses on "high alert." (Or, as you would pronounce it, "a-lair ..") You see, blogging is a completely revolutionary new phenomenon -- one that combines the completely revolutionary new phenomenon of the Internet with the completely revolutionary new phenomenon of "citizen/journalism."

The results are nothing less than completely revolutionary and new. (I mean, of course, as a phenomenon.) Why? For one thing, the "blogging revolution" has generated an explosion of self-satisfaction unlike any the world has seen since ... since Ryan O'Neal last appeared on "Hollywood Squares."

So, using the "blogger tools" that only we bloggers understand, I took a little look at you. (I don't want to get too technical here, but those "tools" include something called "the Web," a little gadget called a "google," and lots and lots of spare time.)

And what did I find when I started to investigate this creature who calls himself "Stephen Colbert" (or as you pronounce it, Col-bair?) Only this interesting little tidbit (or as they spell it in Great Britain, "tit-bit" -- but I suppose you'd find that "titillating," wouldn't you?):

There is no record of a "journalist" named Stephen Colbert. There is, in fact, quite extensive documentation to suggest that "Stephen Colbert" is, in fact, the name of a trained actor -- or, if you prefer, thespian. Yes, the article cited above suggests, in fact, that one "Stephen Colbert" grew up in South Carolina and studied ... acting.

And here's my problem with you, Mr. "Col-bair." You come from South Carolina -- and you don't talk funny. I come from an impoverished industrial city in upstate New York, a barren landscape rather reminiscent of a J. G. Ballard novel. As a result, I "talked funny" too, and it was hard to change it. I still can't say long vowels right. As for you: Shouldn't you sound like ... oh, I don't know ... Larry the Cable Guy?

Your accent is not your own. Your profession is not your own. You are an "actor" pretending to be a journalist. You, sir, are a fraud!

Yes, you worked with Jon Stewart, a comedian turned journalist. But comedy is legitimate training for journalism. The ability to reduce complex facts and nuances into one-liners is indispensable to television news. But you? What have you -- an actor -- to offer?

I did a little research and found out something else about you. Your entire format is stolen from one Bill O'Reilly -- even down to the type of graphics you use! You see, I studied your show's graphics and found that the formation of the letters was indistinguishable from O'Reilly's: the size, the font, and a little something we bloggers call "kerneling." Your little covert (you would pronounce it "co-vair") operation is revealed.

You see, this is what we "bloggers" do. We expose frauds like you. And don't think that we'll be placated by the fact that you're having one "Arianna Huffington" on as a guest. I did some digging on her, too. You know what I found out about this Bush-bashing Republican hater? That "Arianna Huffington" -- the real Arianna Huffington -- is a Republican!

(If you wondering what all these highlighted letters with underlining are, they're part of the revolutionary new phenomenon called the Internet. They link you to another web page. Click on it and -- bang! You're there. Totally unlike anything that's ever come before -- er, except footnotes, of course. We "link" to pages that support our hypothesis, and sometimes to people we consider complete idiots so we can mock them.)

Anyway, this "Arianna Huffington" is not who she claims to be. She, sir, is a fraud! I hope you two phonies will be very happy together. Maybe you'll even have an affair (or, as you would pronounce it, an "af-fert.")

You know, and then I got to thinking: Who am I to harass other people like this? Who is this "RJ Eskow" who makes such outrageous assertions about people he doesn't even know? And you know what I found out? This "RJ Eskow" -- who often claims to be from an impoverished industrial city in upstate New York -- is a phony!

You see, I searched all the birth records for the state of New York for the years 1949-1964 and found that no babies were born there with the first name "RJ." (Although there quite a few in your home state of South Carolina -- even a couple of girls.) You can't pull a fast one on me. This individual who calls himself "RJ Eskow" doesn't even exist. I, sir, am a fraud!

You see, this is what we bloggers do. Prepare to taste our wrath.

A Night Light