The Jewish people have found their Moses and her name is Sarah Palin. During Palin's pitch perfect speech at the National Tea Party convention in Nashville, she proudly wore a lapel pin featuring two flags: the United States and Israel. Our nation's wet blankets have accused Palin of supporting Israel...
When I first read the Fox News headline "Police Draw Weapons at Snowball Fight", I immediately assumed gun-toting police officers dispersed a fight between two white-furred kittens named "Snowball". My guess: the kittens were fighting over who would keep the name "Snowball" and who would be relegated to...
On Thursday, December 10th, 2009, MTV aired a teaser for an upcoming episode of Jersey Shore that included footage of the show's beloved star Snooki being punched in the face by inebriated Queens teacher Brad Ferro. If you haven't seen the clip, you may watch it here:
Today, MTV released a written statement explaining why they will not air footage of the punch on next week's episode:
What happened to "Snooki" was a crime and obviously extremely disturbing. After hearing from our viewers, further consulting with experts on the issue of violence, and seeing how the video footage has been taken out of context to not show the severity of this act or the resulting consequences, MTV has decided not to air Snooki being physically punched in next week's episode.
Congratulations, MTV - you completely failed to grasp the gravity of the situation. Little did you realize that you took the first step toward saving humanity. Allow me to explain...
We begin with Snooki, an Italian-American woman who has managed to live a functional life despite being barely taller than a table.
She embodied Oprah Winfrey's enterprising spirit when she created her own television channel on YouTube called SnookTV. She exhibited Michelle Obama's grace when she stuck with Jersey Shore even though her roommates walked the Seaside Heights boardwalk without inviting her. Snooki possessed all those qualities we Americans hold dear - I only wish Billie Jean King was alive today to see her fellate a pickle.
Mark my words: the hottest toy this Christmas season will be the Snooki American Girl doll. The only reason American Girl hasn't announced it yet is because company executives are still deciding what sick fantasies they're going to make real with all the profits.
Then along comes Brad Ferro, our generation's Lee Harvey Oswald, who punches our greatest American without the last name Armstrong (Lance and Neal).
And there lies the point: If we can punch the iconic Snooki in the face, what is to stop us from punching whoever we please? Welcome to a world where "punching someone in the face" no longer carries the meaning of "punching someone in the face." Instead, it is something entirely different and shockingly worthless.
Here's how this story plays out: Snooki is punched in the face and soon punching someone in the face is just another one of the comings-and-goings of our society. We gather, we punch each other in the face, we go home, we think nothing of it. We encourage punching in the face "literacy" in our schools so children can keep up with their classmates. Face punching inflation runs rampant and no one has a reason to care. La-dee-da, life goes on, what's for lunch?
But now someone is hurling disparaging remarks towards you and punching them in the face is no longer a strong enough reaction. So what do you do? The next logical step: you shove a grenade in their mouth and pull the pin. Fine - no big deal.
Fast forward a few more years and exploding someone's head is essentially a slap on the wrist. If you're one of the lucky ones who still has a brain, you wrack it for ways to show peers you don't appreciate their actions and only one solution comes to mind: disemboweling their organs and shoveling gravel into their empty torso. Congratulations, you just created Hell on Earth all because someone thought it was okay to punch Snooki.
What we need to do is essentially "cut interest rates" on punching someone in the face. MTV started the process when they decided not to air the Snooki punch, but it can't stop there. I foresee three additional solutions:
(1) Ban boxing entirely, or only allow it in a secluded area of the woods untelevised and unattended.
(2) Those caught punching someone in the face are immediately arrested and, without trial, hung in Times Square by their nipples until the brink of death.
(3) Destroy all footage of Snooki being punched in the face.
Solutions (1) and (2) are easy and probably already in the works; solution (3) is far more ambitious and important. The only act of comparable magnitude is fictional: Miles Dyson destroying Cyberdyne in Terminator 2: Judgement Day.
Though our scenario is real and the other is created by James Cameron, they will both end with similar results. It's only a matter of time before someone insults a scientist and he retaliates the only way he knows how: by creating a race of robots intent on human destruction. If we don't want these robots parading on our graves, I encourage everyone to destroy all evidence Snooki was punched in the face and, if anyone speaks of the punch or its cover up, immediately punch them in the...
Tiger Woods has destroyed my life. According to reports, over the last few years, Tiger Woods has had extramarital affairs with Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs, and Kalika Moquin - a trollop, a slut, and a common whore, respectively. We've been dealing with the news in our...