4 Reasons Sarah Palin Loves Jews

04/12/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

The Jewish people have found their Moses and her name is Sarah Palin. During Palin's pitch perfect speech at the National Tea Party convention in Nashville, she proudly wore a lapel pin featuring two flags: the United States and Israel. Our nation's wet blankets have accused Palin of supporting Israel as a way of pandering to the convention audience, pictured here:

But those Pharaoh sympathizers critical of her motives were silenced during her no holds barred interview on the network that employs her. When asked about Obama's 2012 reelection prospects on Fox News Sunday, Palin restated her heartfelt defense of Zionism:

It depends on a few things... Say he decided to declare war on Iran, or decided to really come out and do whatever he could to support Israel, which I would like him to do.

I couldn't agree more, Sarah. We have a lot in common. We should go out for drinks tonight, gab about how much we hate Iran, then call it a night. Sound like a party? Maybe your answer is in a Nov. '09 interview with Barbara Walters:

I believe that the Jewish settlements should be allowed to be expanded upon.

Wait, what? I was just hoping to throw back a couple brews tonight and now you want to skip the bar altogether, break into Dick's Sporting Goods, steal a bat, and run around the neighborhood smashing car windows.

Okay, fine. I don't want to be lame and I could see how smashing car windows would be fun. Let's not worry that Israeli settlement in land seized during the 1967 Six Day War violates the Fourth Geneva Convention and jeopardizes the two-state solution roadmap. Heck, even George W. Bush didn't support settlements and his favorite hobby was taking a dump in his hand and shoving it in UN members' mouths.

Forget all that namby-pamby. Batter up! Actually, I hope you don't mind a couple quick questions from the amateur:
(i) If I get arrested for smashing car windows, will my employer find out?
(ii) Why do Jews need that disputed land exactly?

Because that population of Israel is going to grow. More and more Jewish people will be flocking to Israel in the days and weeks and months ahead.

Tell me about it. A Jewish friend and I were on the subway yesterday and he said to me, "My wife and I are looking to move out of the city. We're thinking somewhere quiet - probably Connecticut, but we're not ruling out the contested region between Israel and Syria."

Alright, where were we? Oh yeah - you were about to set this car on fire. Good idea.


One last question and I swear I'll let you absolutely destroy any chance I'll be gainfully employed ever again: Why such aggressive support of Israel's expansion? I know the obvious reason - whenever you sit in your office chair, a rabbi gives you a neck massage and you feel like you owe him a solid - but I see four other potential reasons, only one of which I find truly valid:

(1) Geopolitical Strategy - During the 2008 Vice Presidential debate, you said, "Israel is our strongest and best ally in the Middle East. We have got to assure them that we will never allow a second Holocaust, despite, again, warnings from Iran and any other country that would seek to destroy Israel." Then again, you said that quote days after your disastrous Katie Couric interview, so that information was likely fed to you minutes before the debate by God appearing in a burning bush, briefly digested, then vomited into the microphone.

(2) Religious Imperative - According to a Sept. '08 Washington Times article, you attend "Protestant evangelical churches that consider the preservation of the state of Israel a biblical imperative." Still, you don't seem like the kind of gal who lets religion trump political buoyancy. You hedged your support of public schools only teaching creationism because it wouldn't be popular with brain-wielding voters and you had your own doubts after watching Jurassic Park.

(3) Court Jewish Voters - This is a little more your style, especially considering you irked Israel supporters when you posted Facebook pictures of you and Pat Buchanan riding a Ferris Wheel together, but the last reason is more likely...

(4) It's a Great Brand - By sporting the "Support Israel" brand and advocating expanding settlements, you tell voters you are an aggressive policymaker as opposed to Obama who advocates more measured efforts to Israeli-Palestinian reconciliation. Lucky for us, you have a firm grasp on the issue:

And I don't think that the Obama administration has any right to tell Israel that the Jewish settlements cannot expand.

Yeah, we should totally stop getting in Israel's way. We've already hamstrung them enough by making their soldiers learn all the buttons on the weapons and F-16s we supply.

So lead us to the Promised Land, Sarah Palin, with your complete and exhaustive mental handle on the political, economic, and social implications of the brands you write on your palm ("energy", "tax cuts", "lift Americans' spirits") and wear on your lapel ("support Israel") and never be afraid to flog those brands to further your success. Now let's light this car on fire!