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Rob Hiaasen
Rob Hiaasen is the Assistant Editor of The (Annapolis) Capital.

Entries by Rob Hiaasen

When the Cobra Strikes

(0) Comments | Posted March 27, 2014 | 6:05 PM

"In palmy days the Model T could take off faster than anything on the road."
-- From E.B. White's "Farewell, My Lovely!"

Today, E.B. White would be 114 years and some 200 days old. In celebration of this milestone, I dusted off a collection of his essays. When I'm...

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Spring and a Man's Fancy Turns to String Bikini Briefs

(0) Comments | Posted March 24, 2014 | 12:08 PM

Many of us feel crammed into a thankless job -- and not just mothers, teachers, garbage collectors, NFL refs or the guy who pumps out my septic tank (I do thank him but from a distance).

I write a column and what do I get in return? The occasional kind...

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Writing off the SAT

(0) Comments | Posted March 11, 2014 | 2:39 PM

To: The College Board

From: A word guy

Subject: SAT admission test no longer requiring timed essay

I hate you.

No, "hate" is a word people with superficial and hackneyed vocabularies use. Rather, I censure you for dropping the timed essay portion of the SAT.

While some people...

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Confessions of a Pot Addict

(1) Comments | Posted February 27, 2014 | 1:35 PM

Normally I don't take positions on issues because that requires thinking about issues, and frankly my time is better spent binge watching House of Cards.

But given that Maryland's General Assembly is weighing several pot bills, I feel compelled to speak out.

I urge lawmakers not to legalize or decriminalize...

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A Self-Evaluation Selfie

(0) Comments | Posted January 24, 2014 | 11:00 AM

What makes an occasionally above-average employee question his above averageness? What makes an occasionally-confident employee sink to new depths of self-doubt and paranoia?

Filling out their own self-evaluation.

Much like another ritual for people of a certain age, job evaluations also require setting aside private time for uncomfortable personal probing...

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The Most Stressful Job in America

(0) Comments | Posted January 14, 2014 | 7:44 AM

The folks who broke the news that newspaper reporting was the worst job of 2013 have come out with another cheerful list. Newspaper reporters have the eighth most stressful job.

Police officers came in ninth.

That's right -- according to, newspaper reporters have a more stressful job than police...

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2014 Resolutions That Are Doomed to Fail

(0) Comments | Posted January 6, 2014 | 5:02 PM

1. Change name to Carl, so when people ask if I'm related to the novelist Carl Hiaasen (he's my brother), I can say, "Why, no, kind but confused reader, I am the novelist. I'm merely moonlighting in Annapolis."

2. Change name back to Rob. Or Levi.

3. While walking dog...

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One Smokin' Hot Christmas

(0) Comments | Posted December 19, 2013 | 11:42 AM

Christmas is a time of sharing -- and not just food or gifts, but also profound, timeless memories.

My family had a styrofoam Santa sleigh with a plump cotton Santa and nine wax reindeer. The decoration was a family heirloom, which isn't remotely true but the heirloom angle punches up...

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I Have Not Yet Begun to Shave

(0) Comments | Posted December 2, 2013 | 3:10 PM

Finally, I can do something a U.S. Naval Academy midshipman can do.

For most of November, academy midshipmen were permitted to grow a mustache to promote men's health issues. It was the first "No-Shave November" in Naval Academy history.

I've always known I am not and will never be academy...

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Personal Fowl

(0) Comments | Posted November 26, 2013 | 10:20 AM

We're boys now -- middle-aged, hip-hurting, gray-templed boys -- but once we were teenaged men trespassing on an athletic field to play our inaugural Turkey Bowl.

We won't be playing this Thursday on account we haven't played since 1977 and we've scattered since high school. But every Thanksgiving I think...

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The Drive-Through Killing

(0) Comments | Posted November 19, 2013 | 4:15 PM

It was going to be a great day, maybe the greatest.

I was going to my first fast-food restaurant, the first fast-food restaurant in our South Florida town. A Burger King. Drive-through only. I had my order ready and everything. Hamburger and a vanilla shake. Best day of my life....

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'Love Shack' Remix

(0) Comments | Posted November 6, 2013 | 5:03 PM

In a writing career spanning more than three decades and earning me literally thousands of dollars, I've made my share of typos, misspellings, and gaffes. But I've never apologized for anything I've written.

Except one time.

Many years ago, in a feature on a sick woman, I meant to write...

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And Darkness Was Upon Us

(0) Comments | Posted October 31, 2013 | 1:50 PM

And there came upon the land a period of darkness, and the darkness had a name -- the Red Sox Nation -- and we entered this darkness against our will but with strength of heart and conviction.

And there came upon the land Sunday additional darkness, and the darkness also...

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American Horror Story

(1) Comments | Posted October 22, 2013 | 4:42 PM

I've become that house.

You know the house.

The house on Halloween that doesn't want to play along anymore. The house on your street owned by the older parents who don't find Halloween nearly as amusing because their shuttered, dark hearts won't allow for such amusement anymore.

The house that...

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Unmentionable Road Crimes

(0) Comments | Posted October 18, 2013 | 1:03 PM

There's been a lot of talk about the danger of texting while driving. Talking on your cellphone is also a dangerous idea and illegal here in Maryland. But lawmakers have not gone far enough to criminalize other driving behaviors.

What makes me qualified to advise any state on additional regulations?

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Daddy, What's a Redskin?

(0) Comments | Posted October 9, 2013 | 9:59 PM

"Daddy, what's a Redskin?"

"Where did you hear that word?"

"Some of the boys at school were talking about a football game Sunday."

"Oh, right, the Washington Redskins play the Dallas Cowboys. The Redskins and Cowboys and a bunch of other teams play football in what's called the NFL."


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How to Enjoy Your Shutdown!

(0) Comments | Posted October 4, 2013 | 11:56 AM

On the bright side -- OK, there is no bright side, but just stay with me here -- the thousands of Americans affected by the government shutdown have something the rest of us can only dream of.

Free time!

The challenge for me would be to fill my free time...

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The Scarlett Letter

(0) Comments | Posted September 13, 2013 | 2:26 PM

Maybe you saw the item in "People in the News," which is one of my favorite newspaper features. I like reading about celebrity birthdays and romances especially when the news involves me.

Not by name, of course. I'm far too savvy about avoiding publicity -- unlike her.

Do I sound...

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Man's Second Best Friend

(1) Comments | Posted September 5, 2013 | 5:07 PM

I don't meant to bring anyone down, but I have one of those lousy decisions to make.

She's been with me for almost 14 years. She has been such a loyal girl, so full of pep in her day, so pretty.

The girl has gone about everywhere with me. We...

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The School of Hard Firsts

(2) Comments | Posted August 28, 2013 | 1:08 PM

"First day of school brings excitement, nervousness" -- Headline in Tuesday's (Annapolis) Capital

First day of kindergarten, 1964:

My teacher is Mrs. Condon. She has very big hair and is clearly inferior to my mother. There are zero Tinker Toys in my classroom, which is clearly inferior to my bedroom....

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