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Rob Hiaasen
Rob Hiaasen is a columnist and Assistant Editor for The (Annapolis) Capital.

Entries by Rob Hiaasen

Play That Funky Ukulele, White Boy

(1) Comments | Posted October 22, 2014 | 10:42 AM

"It's hard to be depressed around a ukulele. You just pick it up and you're halfway home." -- William H. Macy in The New Yorker

Me, I was born with rhythm and soul -- almost too much.

I credit my Norwegian heritage for my innate sense of rhythm...

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Confessions of a Full Nester

(0) Comments | Posted September 22, 2014 | 6:12 PM

Let's not talk about their bathroom.

Let's talk about their bathroom.

I'm not sure what happens in there day-to-day, kid-to-kid, but OSHA could open a branch office there. The structural damage alone to the smallest room in the house is both stunning and magnificent in its way.

Let's not talk...

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Put Down the Tequila and Step Away Slowly

(0) Comments | Posted September 4, 2014 | 4:14 PM, a global employment website, has published an article called "Nine Things Never to Say to Your Boss." Here are the nine things, with accompanying commentary by a non-Monster.

1. "I need a raise."

"I need a raise" is rarely met with, "Please name your price and may I offer...

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A Freeway Detour

(0) Comments | Posted August 18, 2014 | 5:07 PM

There's a pretty stone bridge on the Baltimore-Washington Parkway just north of the Route 410 exit for Hyattsville and New Carrollton.

I didn't know it was pretty until I was stuck in traffic there Aug. 9 heading to D.C. for a getaway. But I was stuck appreciating what can't usually...

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Sober and Reporting for Duty

(0) Comments | Posted July 24, 2014 | 1:01 PM

My work life has been an imposter.

It's all been based on a lie.

Let me explain, but first are you sitting down? Savoring your first or second cup of real coffee?

It's addictive, isn't it? You need it. Gives you that antsy rush, your sweet little caffeine addiction that...

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Howard Stern Seduced My Mother

(13) Comments | Posted July 20, 2014 | 8:39 AM

Just when you think you know your mother.

In these advanced days, my mom and I have a familiar menu of topics: The grandchildren, troubling medical issues, ghostly shades of hair (mine), favorite Seinfeld episodes, faulty lawn sprinklers, art, writing, whether I still take cream in my coffee (I do),...

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Happy Father's Day -- Belatedly

(2) Comments | Posted June 15, 2014 | 8:44 AM

Thank you for assuring me I wouldn't drown when the water was filling the bathtub when I was very young and very sure the water would keep coming and what would happen then? You showed me that spot under the faucet, a little emergency drain.

Thank you for introducing me...

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Peekaboo, Where Are You Ronald Reagan?

(0) Comments | Posted June 10, 2014 | 4:50 PM

Annapolis is known for its funky chicken sculptures, but they're so Main Street.

Go off-road and you'll find, for one thing, one smiling, waving statue of Ronald Reagan. While not the most statesmanlike locale, Ronnie overlooks a crunched parking lot off Cathedral Street. Here he stands, the Great Communicator, his...

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The Book of Us

(0) Comments | Posted May 22, 2014 | 5:12 PM

I remember when I started the first book of us.

It was 1988. I was going to be a father for the first time, and I wanted to write my son a letter. So, I wrote him a long letter six months before his arrival. But because I'm a writer...

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When Prom Backfires

(0) Comments | Posted May 7, 2014 | 3:05 PM

Back when I was a kid, we didn't have proms.

Naw, that isn't true. We had proms -- we just didn't have 14-seat Lincoln Navigators, hot air balloons, cruise liners, gondolas, horse-drawn carriages or Sherpas to take us to prom.

I had my Dad's 1974 Toronado.

Let me tell you...

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When the Cobra Strikes

(0) Comments | Posted March 27, 2014 | 6:05 PM

"In palmy days the Model T could take off faster than anything on the road."
-- From E.B. White's "Farewell, My Lovely!"

Today, E.B. White would be 114 years and some 200 days old. In celebration of this milestone, I dusted off a collection of his essays. When I'm...

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Spring and a Man's Fancy Turns to String Bikini Briefs

(0) Comments | Posted March 24, 2014 | 12:08 PM

Many of us feel crammed into a thankless job -- and not just mothers, teachers, garbage collectors, NFL refs or the guy who pumps out my septic tank (I do thank him but from a distance).

I write a column and what do I get in return? The occasional kind...

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Writing off the SAT

(0) Comments | Posted March 11, 2014 | 2:39 PM

To: The College Board

From: A word guy

Subject: SAT admission test no longer requiring timed essay

I hate you.

No, "hate" is a word people with superficial and hackneyed vocabularies use. Rather, I censure you for dropping the timed essay portion of the SAT.

While some people...

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Confessions of a Pot Addict

(1) Comments | Posted February 27, 2014 | 1:35 PM

Normally I don't take positions on issues because that requires thinking about issues, and frankly my time is better spent binge watching House of Cards.

But given that Maryland's General Assembly is weighing several pot bills, I feel compelled to speak out.

I urge lawmakers not to legalize or decriminalize...

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A Self-Evaluation Selfie

(0) Comments | Posted January 24, 2014 | 11:00 AM

What makes an occasionally above-average employee question his above averageness? What makes an occasionally-confident employee sink to new depths of self-doubt and paranoia?

Filling out their own self-evaluation.

Much like another ritual for people of a certain age, job evaluations also require setting aside private time for uncomfortable personal probing...

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The Most Stressful Job in America

(0) Comments | Posted January 14, 2014 | 7:44 AM

The folks who broke the news that newspaper reporting was the worst job of 2013 have come out with another cheerful list. Newspaper reporters have the eighth most stressful job.

Police officers came in ninth.

That's right -- according to, newspaper reporters have a more stressful job than police...

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2014 Resolutions That Are Doomed to Fail

(0) Comments | Posted January 6, 2014 | 5:02 PM

1. Change name to Carl, so when people ask if I'm related to the novelist Carl Hiaasen (he's my brother), I can say, "Why, no, kind but confused reader, I am the novelist. I'm merely moonlighting in Annapolis."

2. Change name back to Rob. Or Levi.

3. While walking dog...

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One Smokin' Hot Christmas

(0) Comments | Posted December 19, 2013 | 11:42 AM

Christmas is a time of sharing -- and not just food or gifts, but also profound, timeless memories.

My family had a styrofoam Santa sleigh with a plump cotton Santa and nine wax reindeer. The decoration was a family heirloom, which isn't remotely true but the heirloom angle punches up...

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I Have Not Yet Begun to Shave

(0) Comments | Posted December 2, 2013 | 3:10 PM

Finally, I can do something a U.S. Naval Academy midshipman can do.

For most of November, academy midshipmen were permitted to grow a mustache to promote men's health issues. It was the first "No-Shave November" in Naval Academy history.

I've always known I am not and will never be academy...

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Personal Fowl

(0) Comments | Posted November 26, 2013 | 10:20 AM

We're boys now -- middle-aged, hip-hurting, gray-templed boys -- but once we were teenaged men trespassing on an athletic field to play our inaugural Turkey Bowl.

We won't be playing this Thursday on account we haven't played since 1977 and we've scattered since high school. But every Thanksgiving I think...

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