I have wonderful news. I'm planning on buying a piece of vacant waterfront property in Eastport, MD., in an area called Horn Point. Then and there, I will build my dream home.
I know I'm a very fortunate man. Horn Point is a beautiful area were most people, frankly, can't afford to live. I feel squeamish about my good fortune, so I want to share at least some of it with you.
All of you are invited to my new home for a cookout, probably in the spring. I'll be thinking of some dates. Just let me know what you'll be able to bring. Adult beverages will be covered.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you about the property. The land overlooks the Chesapeake Bay with a view of sailboats, osprey nests and the Bay Bridge on a clear day and tankers every day. At least once a week, I walk by my future home. Until I own it, though, I have to stay on the sidewalk and do my mental trespassing.
Once built, my home will have an outdoor dock (because docking a boat indoors is really tricky), a wrap-around porch, a single hammock and two Adirondack chairs. Indoors, I'll have the usual stuff: plumbing, electricity, doors, walls. Most of my time will be spent outside, whittling newspaper stories from driftwood, naming cocktails after Bay marine life, and enjoying my new slick commute.
I live now outside the county. My commute to work is two-and-a-half hours round-trip. Once I move to Horn Point, my commute will be 20 minutes. You can't put a price tag on that -- although I will, and it will be a whopper.
(Now that I'm thinking more about it, maybe early summer would be a good time for the cookout. Maybe the last weekend in June? Again, just let me know what you can bring. Thinking we'll need hamburger and hot dog buns.)
One snag did emerge this week. Apparently not everyone is excited about my news. Certain "facts" have been presented to me:
1. The lot sold for $1.4 million in 2011.
2. Someone (not you) bought it.
3. Someone (not you) might build a home there.
4. You will never be able to afford waterfront property in Eastport.
5. Are you out of your mind?
6. You live outside the county.
7. Your commute is two and a half hours.
8. Your commute will never be 20 minutes.
9. Walking up and down the sidewalk ogling a vacant lot is not a healthy use of your time.
10. Psychologists probably have a name for this behavior.
Well, isn't that the cutest little fact parade you ever did see? And now, my rebuttal:
5. I don't understand the question.
That said, I'm now thinking of having our cookout July Fourth to see the great fireworks. Burgers and dogs on the grill. Drinks on me.
We'll just have to stay on the sidewalk.
Follow Rob Hiaasen on Twitter: www.twitter.com/RHiaasen