Highlights of the New Texas School Curriculum

"A far-right faction of the Texas State Board of Education succeeded Friday in injecting conservative ideals into social studies, history and economics lessons that will be taught to millions of students for the next decade."
-Associated Press, March 12, 2010

Once again, the eyes of the nation are fixed on one of our most cutting-edge laboratories of ideas: The Texas public school curriculum. And rightfully so, as many states model their curricula on that of the Lone Star State. So it's understandable that some are questioning recent changes voted into Texas textbooks: removing the idea of the wall between church and state (now it's more of a "breezeway"), glossing over Thomas Jefferson's cosmopolitan philosophy (his time in Paris now referred to as "The Lost Weekend"), and boosting sections on Ronald Reagan, the 2nd Amendment, and Phyllis Schlafly (certain to inspire a wave of exciting shoebox dioramas). But these critiques fail to acknowledge the innovative and refreshing new approaches to American history and politics contained in the curriculum. Here is but a small sampling:

America Was Discovered by Republicans
Think about it: An entrepreneurial guy named "Chris" finds two investors to underwrite his trade-enhancement venture. Within a few years, the tobacco industry is up and running. And five hundred years later, a special day is set aside every year to honor his name by irritating Native Americans and shutting down the government.

Jesus Was a Gun Owner
Come on, you don't think he just turned water into wine and a handful of fish and bread into a crowdful through sheer charisma, do you? A related fact also added to the curriculum: To date, no one in a state with "concealed carry" gun permit laws has been successfully crucified.

The Civil Rights Movement: Urban Legend
Finally, the truth can be told! The real reason Rosa Parks wouldn't get up from her bus seat is that unionized public transportation workers had failed to remove the chewing gum. The stories of Martin Luther King and Malcolm X were made up by inner-city residents to explain the major thoroughfares bearing those names. And the Little Rock Six weren't kept out of that high school because they were Black, but because they were nerds!

The Alamo Was A Tie
Sure, Santa Ana (a man whose name now literally means a blast of hot air) managed to "house-sit" the place for 12 years. But all that did was enable America to time the market and not take possession until it became the prime real estate - and tourist money-engine -- it is today. Put it this way: How much would you pay for a shot glass emblazoned with the name of a fort we never lost?

9/11: The Realer Causes
Isn't it interesting that Hillary Clinton, Michael Moore, and Barbra Streisand all knew not to come to the World Trade Center that morning? However, to encourage spirited debate among students, its origins will also be traced back to the Carter, Roosevelt, and Cleveland Administrations.

The Founding Fathers Fled England to Avoid Government-Run Health Care
Sure, England didn't adopt its system of socialized medicine until the 20th century. But as everyone knows, the FFs were nothing if not prescient. For example: George Washington's famous presidential address warning America against "entangling alliances" is not, in fact, a reference to foreign policy - but rather to a bureaucratic dental plan, which mandated that his perfectly good choppers be replaced with wood.

Charles Darwin Was a Homosexual
Look at the evidence: The most celebrated part of his career took place on a cruise, and he was obsessed with birds and how "fit" other men were. However, in a hard-won compromise, the new curriculum does not completely elide the teaching of evolution; it merely requires that it be taught in a mincing, theatrical lisp.

African-Americans and Hispanics Deserve A Place in American History.
And they will receive it, in the newly-required final chapter of all of Texas' American history textbooks: "Support Staff."

 

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