Here's a quick quiz for dads with preschoolers:
1) When dressing for a daddy/kid outing you wear...
A) Vintage tee/cargo shorts/flip flops.
B) Polo shirt/khakis/penny loafers -- kid in matching outfit.
C) Vintage tee/cargo shorts/cross training shoes (perfect for pivoting and pouncing).
D) Whatever you're allowed to leave the house in.
2) When you're getting ready to leave with your kid for the trip do you...
A) Wait until the last minute to turn off SportsCenter, then grab the little one, buckle her up and go.
B) Whip out your camouflaged diaper/tot-on-the-go pack replete with a full first aid kit, spare charged cell phone battery, three changes of clothes and a six pack of juice boxes.
C) Load up an old backpack with some choice essentials with your wife nearby in case she wants to throw in something too, while having SportsCenter on mute.
D) Just have your wife pack the bag for you.
3) When reprimanding your kid in public do you...
A: Yell "Hey you! Not cool!" from across the room.
B) Give your kid a Time Out and then give a Time Out to any person within a 10-foot radius of your child so everyone can heal.
C) First make sure nobody is gushing blood and then redirect your kid into something more positive while explaining why what they did was wrong.
D) Think your wife is so good at being the bad cop, it would be a crime to switch up the roles.
4) When paying the babysitter do you...
A) Pay them 20 bucks an hour because that's the going rate for hiring a 15-year-old to sit on your couch while your kid sleeps, right.
B) Call around to all her references to see what they paid her and then work out a payment plan based on number of kids being watched, whether they are awake or sleep and whether or not to round up or down on fraction of hours.
C) Have an actual face to face conversation with your babysitter about the rate when she arrives so you're all on the same page when you get home.
D) Flip your wife your wallet, flop yourself on the couch.
5) When a friend swears in front of your kid do you....
A) Ignore it.
B) Immediately banish them for your home.
C) Glare at them with a raised eyebrow and then point to your kid.
D) Have your wife call their wife (or significant other) and complain to them about how uncomfortable that made you feel.
6) When your kid knocks his entire dinner on the floor do you....
A) Whistle for your dog and/or your neighbor's dog.
B) Refuse to serve him another morsel until he gets down on his knees and picks up the entire mess and then prepares himself another meal.
C) Get out the broom and talk about why that was totally not cool as you clean up together.
D) Pretend you didn't see it.
7) When your kid scrapes a knee and is screaming her face off and other parents are giving you evil looks do you...
A) Tell her to shake it off, pat her on the back, and walk away.
B) Flag down a cop and get a escort to the ER and shout out the window you own improvised siren.
C) Clean up the cut and get your kid excited about the super cool Band Aid you have for her.
OK so here's the breakdown:
If the majority of your answers were A) You are way too loose, you need to man up and realize parenting can't be done with a beer can in one hand (except on rare occasions).
If the majority of your answers were B) You need to chill out. Yes there are many books on how to parent correctly, but if you're doing it "right" 100 percent of the time, you're missing the point.
If the majority of your answers were C) You've got a lot figured out, sure there are times when you could be a little more like A or B, but for the most part you've got it under control.
If the majority of your answers are D) Dude you are lame. We're in the 21st century, wake up and smell the diapers. If you're like me and lucky enough to have a spouse who is loving, caring, and engaged you need to take that as a cue to step up, not check out.
If the majority of your answers are E) As in, this guy doesn't know what the heck he's talking about, let me know what you'd do smarty pants...