Sometimes when I walk down the street, I can barely contain myself when I see an attractive man in my proximity. It's true. Gay/Straight/Bi, sexual orientation really doesn't matter. What does matter is that the hot homosexual blood that runs through me sometimes momentarily puts me in heat. Like Christina Ricci's nymphomaniac character in Black Snake Moan, I get the shakes. I feel uncontrollable desire come over me that I can't let go. I begin to sweat, the blood rushes through my veins, and I know that I must have him right then and there, regardless of the circumstances.
I sometimes wonder how on earth I managed to suppress this desire for the five years I served in the U.S. Army. How I possibly managed to work, live, and go to war with all of these heterosexual soldiers when being gay obviously meant that my mind was utterly consumed with sexual fantasies about them at all times. When I look at the questions that are being asked of active duty soldiers when it comes to the possibility of repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell via this new survey, it's as if the people who came up with them were looking into my brain.
There are people who go into the military for all kinds of reasons. Some have a family history of service, some are looking for a path to a college education, and some have been compelled to do so by some of the events of the past few years -- but the gay soldiers? Totally in it for the sex. If you've never met a gay person or even had the slightest question about how we operate: Let me assure you that it is quite true. We are sex-obsessed deviants, and if you ever think for a second that we're anything more, well then I guess the goal of the Homosexual Agenda has been reached and we can all do brunch. Hell, maybe a few of us can get married and Destroy Traditional Marriage while we're at it.
The way some of the survey questions are structured is enough to make one think that its creators are as obsessed with gay sexuality as those who practice it regularly. In fact, the survey really hit the nail on the head with the whole shower thing. I wasn't able to shower for the first three weeks of my tour in Iraq, and what do you think I was looking forward to the most when I finally got the opportunity to take one? Was it perhaps the opportunity to remove the thick film of gruel that encased my skin no matter how many times I wiped myself down with the wet naps provided with our meals? If you thought that, you were wrong. It was obviously the opportunity to sneak a peek at other soldiers in the showers, soldiers who were equally if not more disgusting than me at that point. Sexy, right? I sure thought so, but imagine my SHOCK that there were private showers! In Iraq! It was almost enough to make me want to give my two weeks' notice right then and there.
I was all set to do my legwork and try to dig up the surveys that they gave the troops when they integrated African-Americans and females into the military when I found that they didn't. Can you imagine? Leaders during that time actually issued an order and didn't survey the troops under their command about their feelings on the matter. It kind of makes me sad that this overwhelming concern with the troops' feelings when it comes to enacting change in the military is such a new thing, because if it weren't, I know I would've had plenty to say about going to serve in Iraq and that they would've had to have created a fairly lengthy survey to convince me.
Some gay people are offended by the questioning in the survey. They think it's sex-obsessed, that the questions are leading, and that the very existence of the survey highlights the negative attitude of the current administration toward repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." Not me though. As a practicing homosexual I think it's important to protect those innocent, defenseless soldiers from prying gay eyes and most importantly from the possibility of having to live and work along gay soldiers. I mean, who knows what could happen if Don't Ask, Don't Tell is repealed? Perhaps people would become more tolerant? Perhaps most soldiers are already aware of gays in their units and the whole thing would be greeted with a big shrug anyway? Maybe gay soldiers would just be able to serve and live their lives without fear of being fired? Maybe trust and unit cohesion would build between all soldiers, since DADT really only serves to undermine that.
Or maybe evil, sex-obsessed super-gays would finally be able to be unmasked and unleashed, and turn the U.S. Military into a gay orgy of epic proportions.
You know, either/or.
Follow Rob Smith on Twitter: www.twitter.com/robsmithonline
No? Then just say no.
Yes? Then you might be in luck!
Love to all our men and women in uniform, both gay and straight!
Good satire. I almost read this as a serious piece.
There's a historical precedent for this: the infamous "Gay Agenda" came from a satirical piece printed in 1987 in "Gay Community News", a weekly newspaper from Boston; the Theocrats have repeatedly reprinted it - EXCEPT for its introductory paragraph where the author explicitly explained that "this is satire".
I commend Mr Smith on his service to his country but also the service he does the great number of gay and lesbian military personnel who are having to serve in secret because a bigoted Senator Sam Nunn from Georgia was bitter that he couldn't be President and wanted to embarrass the man who prevented that from happening and forced through the DADT law. The pressure and heat needs to be turned up on The Pentagon until the pressure cooker blows the lid off and The Pentagon is forced to recall this idiotic poll and substitute an opinion neutral poll. This is simply ludicrous.
Then I think how much to our advantage the exposition of sheer stupidity is and can only think, "It's truly all just a matter of time."
Doesn't mean I have to like it.
Simply put, women have different issues of personal hygiene to contend with that warrants separate showers.