THE BLOG
02/12/2017 02:48 pm ET | Updated Feb 13, 2017

PRESIDENT TRUMP'S SCHEDULE

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5:30am:
Wake up in creaky old house with no views.

5:31am:
Remove hairnet.

5:35am
: Call Omarosa. Have her order a McDonalds Big Breakfast. Check blood pressure. Deny checking blood pressure. Call Dr. about Rogaine refill - which I don't need.

6:00am: National News Briefing -- Watch Morning Joe, Fox & Friends and Law & Order SVU simultaneously. Tweet accordingly.

6:16am: Tweet about failing New York Times and other sad, stupid people, places and things.

6:22am: Tweet about our enemies: Isis, Nordstrom's and the Lying Media.

7:30am: Calls to eleven international leaders. (15 minutes)
1.) Order Mexico to switch to English as national language. Would make all calls much easier.
2.) Tell Germany to cough up NATO cash. In US dollars. Check payable to Trump Foundation.
3.) Call Prime Minister Shinzo and ask why he changed his name to Abe on his visit with me. Sad. He should be proud of his name.
4). Check in with Vlad. Re: Reducing the finance rates on my loans.

8:15am:
Rose garden photo op with boy scouts. (12 seconds)
Call Ford Agency and recast with hot models in Boy Scout uniforms.

8:17am: Wash hands. (45 minutes)

9:15am:
Oval Office drape catalogue meeting. Look at other colors for drapes behind desk. Hold all calls. No interruptions. No tweets. (2.5hours)

11:45am: High Alert Meeting with Joint Chiefs of Staff (90 seconds) Assign Seal Teams to McDonald's delivery run. Better use of resources.

12:15pm: Issue Executive Order to destroy all photos of Obama's inaugural audience.

12:30pm: Taco Bell lunch via Omarosa. Tweet pic of me eating to Mexican Prez. Will unify countries!

1:00pm:
Call NBC with new series ideas. Apprentice: Saudi Arabia! You're not fired - You're beheaded! Love how tough they are. Wish we could behead! Don't put them on new travel ban in case show is greenlit!!

2:00pm: Watch CNN to learn about current events. Tweet and accuse CNN of Fake News.

2:15pm:
Trade meeting with top business leaders (40 minutes) We discuss golf.

3:00pm:
Call Melania. (34 seconds)

4:30pm: Check stock market. Notice which stocks are up. Take credit. Tweet accordingly. Except Nordstrom's. Put all Nordstrom's shareholders on NO FLY list.

5:00pm:
Air Force One bathroom tile meeting. Hold all calls. No interruptions. No tweets (3 hours)

8:00pm:
Wash hands. (37 minutes)

8:37pm: Dinner with Steve Bannon. Review National Enquirer, Alex Jones conspiracy videos, TMZ and other real news sites. Get Executive Orders from Steve. Get nuclear codes to Steve. See if he likes new Air Force One bathroom tile selection.

10:30pm: Put on bathrobe. Deny wearing bathrobe.

10:31pm - 3:05am: National News refresher - Watch Fox News and fix broken country and lying media by tweeting accordingly.

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