Alien 5: A Love Story

03/26/2015 02:12 pm ET | Updated May 24, 2015

Deep space. The Nostromo. Ripley encounters the Alien in her private quarters:

RIPLEY: We've got to stop meeting like this. It's been, what, four movies?

ALIEN: It's kismet. We were meant to be together.

RIPLEY: It will never work out. We're from two different worlds. I'm from Earth and you're from Acheron in the Zeta Reticuli galaxy.

ALIEN: We've overcome greater obstacles. You died in Alien 3 and were cloned from a few cells in Alien 4: Resurrection. And I've lost count of how many times I've been jettisoned into the empty vacuum of outer space.

RIPLEY: We're from different species.

ALIEN: Love is blind. That's why I have no eyes. Besides, you're an alien-human hybrid now.

RIPLEY: Your mother the Queen hates me. She'll never forgive me for calling her a bitch in Aliens.

ALIEN: She'll come around. In the meantime, why don't you remove your spacesuit and relax? We could have some fun like in the old days...

The Alien starts unzipping Ripley's spacesuit. Ripley slaps its paw away.

RIPLEY: Nothing doing, buster! The last time we fooled around you left me pregnant with one of your chest bursters! Do you have any idea what it's like to give birth to a mixed species child alone on a male-only prison planet?

ALIEN: I know! Humans can be so cruel!

RIPLEY: While you were off running around with those Predators! What did you see in them, anyway? Those long, greasy dreadlocks are so gross!

ALIEN: It was just a phase I was going through, baby. You're the only host organism for me!

RIPLEY: And what about those Engineers from Prometheus? Giant hairless albino muscle men! Really!

ALIEN: You've had your own indiscretions. Don't tell me you weren't attracted to Corporal Hicks in Aliens.

RIPLEY: You killed him before the opening credits for Alien 3!

ALIEN: What can I say? I'm just a jealous xenomorph. And what about those Na'vi from Avatar? Big blue hippies running around naked in the forests of Pandora? And what about that gangsta robot? What was his name again--Crappie?

RIPLEY: Chappie. Okay, we both have indiscretions in our past. It's all so confusing. How are we suppose to keep all these sci-fi franchises straight anyway?

ALIEN: Maybe it's best to focus on our future...

RIPLEY: That's my Star Beast!

The Alien starts unzipping Ripley's spacesuit again. This time, she doesn't swat its paw away.

ALIEN: You know you want to, baby! I'm covered with ridges for your pleasure.

RIPLEY (giggling): You've got a one track mind!

ALIEN: They don't call me a penis with teeth for nothing.

RIPLEY: All right, but this time no tongue! Those love bites of yours hurt!

The two of them fall back into Ripley's bunk...Later, lying naked side by side, sharing a post-coital cigarette:

RIPLEY: That was out of this world! The things you can do with that prehensile tail!

ALIEN: I know, right? In space, no one can hear you scream in ecstasy.

Suddenly Hicks walks in on them carrying a plasma rifle.

RIPLEY: Hicks! I thought you were dead! Did they clone you too?

HICKS: No, and you're not a clone either. Neill Blomkamp's setting Alien 5 after Aliens but before Alien 3, which is confusing from a continuity perspective, but is great from a we're-not-dead perspective.

ALIEN: Gee, this is awkward. You wouldn't be interested in a three-way, would you?


Hicks shoots the Alien dead with his plasma rifle.

RIPLEY: Damn, I'll never get those acid blood stains out of my sheets! Do you know how hard it is to get clean linens in outer space?

HICKS: Sorry.

Ripley rushes naked into Hick's strong, masculine arms.

RIPLEY: Oh, never mind! I'm so glad to see you! It's so great you're alive! It's so great to be alive!

Hicks looks down at the floor.

HICKS: I've got a confession to make. I'm actually an android.

Ripley looks down at the floor too.

RIPLEY: I've got a confession to make too. I'm actually a Replicant from Blade Runner. Ridley Scott can't keep those sci-fi franchises straight either.

The two of them look at each other for a moment. Then they burst out laughing.

HICKS: I'm a phony and you're a fake!

RIPLEY: Well, since we're both reproductions, lets start reproducing!

The two of them fall into bed and make mad, passionate love next to the body of the dead Alien. The end...for now.