11/23/2011 05:50 pm ET | Updated Jan 23, 2012

Batman Invades Occupy Wall Street

The "Occupy" movement, whether displaying itself on Wall Street or in the streets of Oakland (which has, with unspeakable cowardice, embraced it) is anything but an exercise of our blessed First Amendment. "Occupy" is nothing but a pack of louts, thieves, and rapists, an unruly mob, fed by Woodstock-era nostalgia and putrid false righteousness. These clowns can do nothing but harm America. -- Frank Miller, author of The Dark Knight Returns.

Hello. I'm billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, a member in good standing of the one percent. I earned my money the old fashioned way -- I inherited it. You may know me better by my alter ego, the Dark Knight, a.k.a. Batman.

Usually, I'm busy fighting bad guys like the Riddler or the Penguin. Recently, though, I've uncovered the biggest threat to Gotham City since the Joker discovered laughing gas. A gang of scofflaws calling themselves Occupy Wall Street took over Zuccotti Park in the financial district and turned it into their lair.

At first I thought that this was a job for the NYPD. I don't usually soil my batgloves with garden-variety criminals. But then when they held the park for two months, I knew something was up. They don't call me "the world's greatest detective" for nothing.

So I disguised myself as an anarchist and infiltrated the park. I wore black pants, a black hoody, and a black stocking mask -- come to think of it, not that different from my regular crime-fighting gear.

What I saw sickened me. The park was filled with laid-off workers, evicted home owners, debt-ridden students, pension-robbed retirees, and veterans who had returned from some war or the other to the worst recession since the Great Depression -- the scum of the Earth.

I knew I had to do something. That night in my civilian identity, I dined with Mayor Mike Bloomberg. Over steak, lobster, and champagne, we discussed the crisis. He was on the fence about Occupy Wall Street: on the one hand, he didn't like the rabble any better than I did; on the other hand, he still had some quaint beliefs about First Amendment rights.

I quickly set him straight, "If we don't stop them here, it will turn into anarchy -- or worse. I saw the signs saying 'Eat The Rich' -- they're a bunch of cannibals, just like Killer Croc. Stern measures are called for to protect health and public safety. Pass the caviar."

The mayor agreed, and the next morning called for a surprise dawn raid to retake the park.

The operation was not without casualties. Robin stopped speaking to me. Being an orphaned carny, he has some naive notions about meritocracies versus plutocracies. "Listen, Robin," I tried to explain to him, "we live in a great country where anyone can grow up to be adopted by a billionaire." He left me for those young punks, the Teen Titans.

Catwoman stopped sleeping with me. Being an international jewel thief, she has some funny ideas about redistributing the wealth. "Listen, sweetheart," I remonstrated with her, "you're Catwoman, not Robin Hood. Leave the altruism stuff to Green Arrow." She left me for that dyke, Wonder Woman.

Even my loyal butler stopped butlering me. "Listen, Alfred, if you don't like the way I run things around here, you can just collect your pink slip and go. What do I need a butler for, anyway? I've got Siri." He left me for some outfit called AdBusters. Never heard of 'em.

It may surprise some of you to find out I'm such a fierce defender of the status quo. It shouldn't. When was the last time you saw me apprehend the CEO of an investment bank for securities fraud? I'm on the board of directors of half of these corporations, and I'm not a class traitor like Warren Buffet. I leave fighting evil business tycoons like Lex Luthor to boy scouts like Superman. (By the way, Lex baby, see you at the yacht races next week.)

There's a secret war going on. It's not occurring in another dimension, a parallel universe, or on Earth Two. It's happening right here in plain sight in the good ol' US of A -- provided you have the eyes to see the growing gap between the haves and the have-nots.

I intend to be on the winning side. Hey, all those batmobiles, batcycles, batcopters, batboats, etc., cost money. If income were distributed more equitably, I would have to give up some of my toys. And I will never give up any of my toys. Never, never, never, never.

It's not like I haven't made sacrifices. My parents were murdered by gangsters. Bane broke my back. (I've recovered nicely, though, thanks to access to the finest healthcare money can buy.) With Robin, Catwoman, and Alfred gone, there is no one to attend to my physical needs. It turns out that Siri can't give sponge baths.

But I will win. Because I control the money. Which means I control the politicians. Which means I control the laws. Which mean I decide who the good guys and the bad guys are. And, as you know, the good guys always win. To quote my otherwise arch-nemesis Ra's al Ghul, "And nothing can stop me now! Bwha-hah-hah-hah!"

Wait! What's that rumbling sound, like somebody losing control and turning into an enormous green rage monster?