THE BLOG
05/20/2011 02:54 pm ET | Updated Jul 20, 2011

Buying Porn For Bin Laden

So many questions here. Bin Laden's compound wasn't hooked up to the internet and he apparently communicated with the outside world by saving files onto thumb drives and having couriers send e-mails and download new messages for him from a distant Internet cafe. Were those couriers also in charge of procuring bin Laden's porn? Awkward. -- Foreign Policy Magazine

COURIER: Uh, I'd like to buy some porn.

PETE: Well, you've come to the right place. Here at Pete's Porno Emporium we've got every type of porn known to man, woman, and those in-between. What are you into -- chicks, dicks, chicks with dicks? We don't discriminate like those nasty fundamentalists do.

COURIER: Uh, it's not for me. It's for a, uh, friend.

PETE: Sure, we get loads of requests like that -- emphasis on the "loads." Tell me, is this "friend" of yours married?

COURIER: He has three wives, but you know how it is....

PETE: Yeah, all burqas look the same after midnight. Marital boredom is inevitable no matter how many wives you have. Where does this "friend" of yours live?

COURIER: In a large, walled-off compound in the suburbs of Abbottabad. It's kind of like the Playboy mansion -- minus the Bunnies, of course.

PETE: That would make your "friend" Hugh Hefner. What is he into -- gals, guys, bi's, tri's?

COURIER: Uh, he has very specialized tastes.

PETE: Kinky, huh? Don't worry, we've got it all -- S&M, B&D, C&BT. Golden showers, brown showers, double rainbow showers...

COURIER: No, nothing like that. He likes pork.

PETE: As in "porking" or as in farm animals? Either way, we've got you covered. We've got a video called Makin' Bacon: Beauty and the Bestiality that you've gotta see to believe.

COURIER: No, no. no! He likes to see beautiful women breaking halal and consuming pork and pork byproducts!

PETE: Why didn't you say so? I've got the perfect video right here: Meat Eaters III: The Forbidden Flesh. Says here on the product description "A hungry harlot with an insatiable appetite devours an entire roast pig. To paraphrase Upton Sinclair, she eats everything except the squeal."

COURIER: Perfect. He also likes alcohol.

PETE: Here's another one: White Trash Lightening: Ready, Swilling, and Able. "A thirsty thespian downs an entire bottle of Jim Beam, then plays with her Maker's Mark. Then, in a final act of transgression, she gets it on with Old Granddad."

COURIER: Excellent!

PETE: Now that I've got the general idea, lets refine the details. What kind of women does he like--blonds, brunettes, redheads? Black, white, Asian? Dwarfs, hermaphrodites, albinos?

COURIER: Christians.

PETE:
Oh Cum All Ye Faithful: "Brides of Christ perform their marital duties! An entire cloister of nuns feels Jesus deep inside with the aid of votive candles. Ho ho hos and merry XXXmas!"

COURIER: And Jews.

PETE: Moses Parts The Pink Taco: "A radical reform temple breaks all Ten Commandments. You'll be on your knees worshiping graven images before this is all over. Onan never had it so good!"

COURIER: And most exciting of all, Americans.

PETE: Lady Libertine: I Spread My Legs For Thee: "The Statue of Liberty gets it on with Uncle Sambo. Uncle Sambo speaks softly and carries a big black stick. To add an extra frisson of freedom, they're played by Sarah Palin and Barack Obama lookalikes."

COURIER: I'll take them all. Also some herbal Viagra and some Sheik condoms.

PETE:
What about boys?

COURIER: That's disgusting! Leave that to the Catholics!

PETE: Anything else?

COURIER: I don't want you to think less of my friend. He's not a pervert. He's not the Governor of California or the head of the IMF. He's really a very spiritual person. Someday he will die a martyr's death and receive the requisite 72 virgins, but meanwhile he has a lot of time on his hands. He's going out of his head with boredom.

PETE: Don't worry. I don't think that's going to be a problem much longer.