VENTURA: Welcome, fight fans, to another exciting episode of political wrestling! I'm your host, Jesse "The Body" Ventura...
ROVE: And I'm your color commentator, Karl "The Brain" Rove.
VENTURA: We've got a real slobberknocker for you tonight, folks -- the long awaited rematch between the heavyweight champion of the free world, Barack "Bam Bam" Obama, and the challenger, Nature Boy Mitt Romney. That's right! The Kenyan Killer versus the Mormon Mauler! It should be a great one!
ROVE: The last time these two met at Denver Deathmatch, the challenger smoked the champ, so you gotta believe Obama's looking for a little payback. Some fans claimed Romney brought an illegal foreign object into the ring, or the ref lost control of the match, but it looked to me like Obama just got tangled up and put himself into a sleeper hold.
VENTURA: Yes, definitely a lot of ring rust. It's been four years since Obama's had a title match. Plus he's wrestling with a lot of injuries -- most of them self-inflicted. It's gut check time -- Obama's gotta reach down deep inside and decide whether or not he really wants to hold onto the belt for another four years.
ROVE: Don't forget, Romney's wrestling injured too! Not many contenders could come back after that devastating 47 percent video.
VENTURA: Yeah, why Obama didn't exploit that injury is beyond me. You know your opponent's got a bad right wing, you break it off and shove it up his keister!
ROVE: Romney's slippery in the ring. Just when you think you've got him pinned, he reverses positions on you. And then there's his spectacular finishing move, the Flip, Flop, and Fly.
VENTURA: Ironically, Obama did most of his damage to Romney after the match, when the unemployment rate fell below 8 percent for the first time during his title reign. That took away one of Romney's most potent weapons.
ROVE: I still think there's something suspicious about those numbers. Like Jack Welch and the Rock, I can smell what Obama's cooking.
VENTURA: Maybe you should get your olfactory nerves checked. In the mean time, Obama's tag team partner, Joe "The Mouth" Biden, did better against Romney's tag team partner, Precious Paul Ryan, at Danville Devastation. Precious Paul is younger and in great cardiovascular condition, but the Mouth is a mean barroom brawler. I think Precious Paul was a little surprised when the Mouth challenged him to take it outside into the parking lot.
ROVE: Biden's the most unpredictable man in professional politics. That's what makes him so dangerous. Nobody knows what he's going to say or do next -- not even Biden. He was definitely kicking ass and taking no malarkey.
VENTURA: Which brings us up to tonight's rematch, at Hempstead Havoc. It's a Chicago-style street fight -- no rules! -- so that should be right in Obama's wheelhouse. And Candy Crowley's the special guest referee. She should be able to keep better order than Jim Lehrer. She's got much more cojones than him, if you know what I mean.
The lights go down. Fireworks go off. The crowd, divided into red and blue cheering sections, goes crazy.
ROVE: We're ready to go! And here comes the challenger!
As the O'Jays' "For the Love of Money" booms over the PA system, Romney enters the ring. He's dressed in gold tights, gold boots, and a gold, diamond-encrusted "$" million dollar belt.
VENTURA: Looks like Romney's been raiding "the Million Dollar Man" Ted Dibiase's old wardrobe. And here comes the champ!
As Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" booms over the PA system, Obama enters the ring. He's dressed in a long professorial robe and mortarboard.
ROVE: Looks like Obama's been raiding "The Genius" Leaping Lanny Poffo's old wardrobe.
VENTURA: There's the bell! Here we go!
Romney and Obama circle each other warily, Obama making sure to look Romney in the eye, Romney with a sociopathic smirk on his face. Suddenly, just as the two combatants are about to lock up, "Can You Tell Me How To Get To Sesame Street?" booms over the PA system, and a familiar giant, yellow bird runs into the ring.
ROVE: Wait, that's Big Bird! What's he doing here?
VENTURA: I think I know. Romney talked some trash about Big Bird during the last match, saying if he became champion he was going to sell him to Chick-fil-A. I think Big Bird wants a little revenge!
ROVE: Romney doesn't see him! Turn around, Mitt! Turn around!
Big Bird hits Romney from behind with a steel chair. Romney goes down like a ton of gold bricks.
BIG BIRD (standing over a fallen Romney): I like you too, Mitt! Do you want to be my friend? This was brought to you by the numbers one, two, and three! Have a nice day!
Big Bird runs back out of the ring.
VENTURA: Oh my God, Big Bird just coldcocked Romney! Don't just stand there looking for the teleprompter, champ! Pin him! Pin him!
Obama pauses, ponders all the possibilities, pauses again, weighs all the ramifications, then slowly, deliberately, methodically pins the bleeding and unconscious Romney. The ref counts him out.
ROVE: Wait! No! You mean... ?
VENTURA: That's right, Brain! Romney got "fowled!" Obama wins the match!
ROVE: Ref, are you blind? Are you going to let that stand?
CROWLEY: Chicago streetfight rules! Anything goes! Besides, I like Big Bird too!
Crowley gives the prone Romney a few extra kicks, just to be on the safe side.
VENTURA: Well, that's all we have time for tonight, folks. Join us again on the 22nd for Boca Raton Beatdown! Until then, remember, if you see Mitt on the campaign trail, give him the Bird! Good night!
Note: The author does not condone violence committed by Muppets or anyone else.
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