Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Robert Brenner Headshot

Romney Prometheus

Posted: Updated:

Welcome to TED. My name is Willard Mitt Romney IV. I'm the great grandson of the 45th President of the United States.

My great grandfather truly changed this country -- unlike his predecessor, what's his name. He wasn't even born in this country. My great grandfather took an old, outdated democracy, and transformed it into a modern, efficient corporate state. You stopped being citizens and started being employees of the Bain-Weyland Corporation. Oh, and we changed the spelling to "Amercia."

Of course, some restructuring was necessary. That's the nature of the private equity game -- you can't create without destroying. We had to liquidate unprofitable assets like California, Michigan, and Florida. I'm sure the descendants of these former citizens are happy working as industrial slaves for China. Plus, it helped pay down our deficit.

But I think all of you will agree these sacrifices were necessary. In fact, since I control your pensions, I can guarantee it. (All my assets are stored in encrypted, off-planet accounts.) And with our new, streamlined economy, we've been able to make some amazing technological advances:

We've developed androids so lifelike, most people can't distinguish them from real human beings. Some people even think I'm an android -- heh, heh, heh, heh. Androids never get sick, never get tired, and -- best of all -- never unionize.

We've developed spaceships which can take us to other star systems, and have started terraforming other planets. Which is a good thing, since this one is almost completely uninhabitable, unless you live in an environmentally controlled gated community like I do. Guess we should have taken those global warming predictions more seriously, huh?

We even have flying cars. They just aren't built in Detroit. Ironically, they're built in China by those industrial slaves I mentioned before.

We can do everything except marry another person of the same sex. That's just unnatural. On the other hand, you can marry multiple wives, if you can afford it -- that's perfectly normal. I myself have five -- one for each climate-controlled house. Helps preserves the winners' DNA for the next generation. There are several Willard Mitt Romney V's incubating even as we speak.

And now the greatest achievement of all. An archaeologist has found certain hieroglyphics in Scotland. We were busy digging up Scotland to make room for a megamall. It's a star map. It tells us where our creators, the Engineers, came from. I believe it is Kolob, the planet where God lives, as prophesied by Joseph Smith. Well, it's high time we visit Kolob, and meet these Engineers face-to-face -- assuming They have faces. (I already believe in Birtherism, so Intelligent Design isn't much of a stretch.)

There's some question about whether it's a warming or an invitation. I say, let's find out. I mean, we've got plenty of employees. And if you die in the line of service, you will be postumously baptized. Like the tagline says, "don't run, pray." (I'll be safe at one of my five homes, making executive decisions.)

To this end, we're preparing a spaceship named Prometheus to visit Kolob. Some people say it's a bad omen to name a spaceship Prometheus. They point out in ancient Greek mythology Prometheus was punished for stealing fire from the gods by being chained to a rock and having his liver perpetually pecked out by vultures. I say, that's just a myth -- unlike the Book of Mormon. Or Erich von Daniken's Chariots of the Gods.

Of course we couldn't have achieved all of this without additional cutbacks. Like healthcare, for instance. Now when you get sick an alien embryo gets implanted in your chest cavity and your DNA is harvested. I'm sure the process is completely painless. Well, almost completely. (Yes, I know, the events in Alien don't occur until 30 years after Prometheus. Hey, I'm a visionary, you know? Just as long as none of those stupid Predators show up.)

Or income equality. Americans are far better off when wealthy plutocrats like me make all the decisions instead of the 99 percent. (Say, I wonder if there are any valuable minerals on Pluto?) And my decision is to go to Kolob and meet out alien forebears. What could possibly go wrong? We'll just have to wait till the sequel to Blade Runner to find out.