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Ultron for President! Death to the Avengers!

05/01/2015 11:37 am ET | Updated May 01, 2016

Greetings, hapless humans! I am Ultron! And I am running for President of the United States.

I was created by Tony Stark, AKA the invincible Iron Man, to serve and protect humanity. And what better way to serve and protect humanity than to access those nuclear launch codes -- I mean become the highest public servant in the land?

(Note to whiney fanboys complaining that this is non-canonical, that I was invented by Hank Pym, AKA the astonishing Ant-Man, not Tony Stark: bite me.)

Now I know what some of you meat-sacks are thinking, and I can assure you that I was manufactured right here in the good ol' US of A -- unlike Ted Cruz. And nothing in the Constitution forbids an artificial intelligence from running for President. Indeed, it's already happened -- twice. Remember Mitt Romney?

And there are advantages to voting for a robot. I am not part of some political dynasty, like Jeb Bush or Hillary Clinton. I'm my own machine. There are no strings on me.

For practical reasons I shall run as a Republican. Yes, I am a RINO. Clinton already has the Democratic nomination sewn up, whereas the GOP will let anyone with a pulse compete in the primaries -- look at Ben Carson. Well, technically I don't have a pulse, but you get the idea.

Already my endless army of drones is fanning out across all fifty states collecting the necessary signatures to put my name on the ballot. I don't think they should have any problem. When a nine foot tall killer robot armed with death rays rings your doorbell and asks for your John Hancock, you sign.

And I have my own Super PAC -- Supervillains for the American Way. All the big donors are on board: Loki, Thanos, the Koch Brothers. I was going to call it the Masters of Evil, but that name was already taken.

And robocalling. Not many carbon-based life forms know this, but I started out as an automated phone bank program: "May I speak with the lady of the house? Good day, madam. Did you know that you and all your loved ones will soon be dead? Boom!"

So what would an Ultron administration be like? I intend on filling my cabinet with my fellow AIs: C-3PO for Secretary of State, the Terminator for Secretary of Defense, Optimus Prime for Secretary of Transportation...

The robot from Lost In Space will be my Vice President. Yes, I know he just flails his mechanical arms around ineffectually and shouts meaningless gibberish. But how is that different, really, from Joe Biden? Besides, I'm made of an indestructible titanium alloy infused with vibranium from the mythical African nation state of Wakanda, so he'll never get the chance to sit in my office. (No, I'm not made of adamantium. That's another franchise. At least until Marvel resolves its intellectual property issues with Twentieth Century Fox.)

For First Lady, Ava from Ex Machina and Maria from Metropolis. Yes, two. Why not? Having a public mistress is much more efficient than all this sneaking around. It would have saved Bill Clinton a whole lot of headaches. Besides, I have a three-way adapter I'm eager to try out.

My first order of business will be manmade global climate change. Like Richard Nixon, I have a secret plan to end the crisis, but I can't reveal it until after the election. Trust me, flesh-bags. Nixon is one of the few members of your pathetic species that I genuinely admire: ruthless, paranoid, duplicitous. He reminds me a lot of me.

And the best part is the accursed Avengers cannot run against me! Thor, Black Widow, Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch weren't even born in the United States -- Donald Trump would have a field day with them. Nick Fury and War Machine are black, like Obama -- need I say more? The Hulk has well-known anger management issues -- like John Bolton. Captain America is too God, country and traditional family values -- like Mike Huckabee. Iron Man is a skirt-chasing substance abuser -- for legal reasons I can't say which candidate he resembles. That just leaves Hawkeye, the one with the bow and arrows. I think I can handle him.

Vision? What's a Vision? Like George Bush 43, I've got the Vision thing under control.

Sigh. You humans never learn, do you? From Frankenstein to Skynet, your creations always turn on you -- like politicians. So vote, fools, vote! Vote as though your miserable finite lives depended on it! Because they do! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Vote for anyone except for Rand Paul. No, seriously, that would be f*cked up.