THE BLOG

Moses and the Red Sea

04/04/2015 03:56 pm ET | Updated Jun 04, 2015

NARRATOR

One day in ancient Egypt, a Jewish family had a baby named Moses, around the same time a Druzish family had a daughter named Zipporah. Zipporah grew up healthy and beautiful, but Egyptians enjoyed killing Jewish babies like Moses, and Pharaoh had ordered midwives to stop helping Jewish women give birth. 

PHARAOH
No more surrogacy.

MIDWIVES
Okay, Pharaoh.

NARRATOR
So Moses' sister Miriam had an idea.

MIRIAM
Let's put this poor little cutie in a basket, drop him in the Nile,  and pretend he's an Egyptian.  Someone will save him. (I hope.)

NARRATOR
And guess what! At that very moment, Pharaoh's daughter, Batya, happened to be walking by the riverside, thinking about what gown she wanted her Daddy to buy her for the Senior Prom.

BATYA
What's this? A baby in the river. In a cute Nikki's basket. I think I'll take it home.

NARRATOR
She took Moses home, changed his diapers, fed him and brought him up, even though some people always suspected the baby was really hers.

Scene 2

NARRATOR
One day, when he was all grown up, Moses was walking by the river, getting a little tan, when he ran into this older woman. It was his real sister, Miriam.

MIRIAM
You look just like a brother I once had. In fact, you are the brother I once had. Isn't your name Moses?

MOSES
How did you know?

MIRIAM
Because you've got that rare belly button thing, an outie.

MOSES
It's a wise child that knows his own sister, but it's an even wiser sister who knows her own brother.

MIRIAM
And you know what else? You're Jewish.

MOSES
Wow! Does that mean I get to have bar mitzvah presents?

Scene 3

NARRATOR
Moses visits the Pyramids and sees hieroglyphics of Pharaoh ordering Jews to be drowned in the river. The next day he comes upon an Egyptian whipping a Jewish slave. He kills the man and runs away to the desert.     There he sees a beautiful young girl named Zipporah.

MOSES
Let me help you get some water from the well.

ZIPPORAH
Why, thank you. My, you got big muscles.

MOSES 
You think I got big muscles?

ZIPPORAH
And you're good-looking, too.

MOSES
Let's get married.

ZIPPORAH
Why not? But I better introduce you to my father, Jethro, first. My father then asked: Why are you bringing this goy to my house? And I answered.He bought me water at the well. And he wants to marry me. And my father said: I've got seven daughters so I like that offer. But he isn't Jewish, is he? And Moses answered:

MOSES
I like pickled herring and rude waiters.

ZIPPORAH
Well, he must have some Jewish blood, answered my father.

NARRATOR
Zipporah and Moses got married, and had two sons, Gershom and Eliezer. But God was angry at Zipporah.

GOD
Anyone born in your house must be circumcised, or I'll kill him.

ZIPPORAH
Please don't kill my husband and children. I have a broken rock right here.

NARRATOR
And she circumcised Gershon and Eliezer with the sharp stone, and touched Moses' feet with it.

ZIPPORAH
Now you are a husband of blood.

MOSES
Great. But what's that smell?

ZIPPORAH
What kind of smell?

MOSES
Burning! It's a burning bush.

BURNING BUSH
Hi, Moses. Will you do me and yourself a big favor?

MOSES
Anything for a burning bush.

BURNING BUSH
Go to the Pharaoh and tell him, "Let my people go."

ZIPPORAH
It's a talking burning bush.

G-D
Actually, my name is G-d. This is just one of my characters. I also do a pillar of fire. And I do great thunder. Now go to this wicked Pharaoh and tell him "Let my people go," or something like that old black cotton picker's song. Or else something really nasty is going to happen.

MOSES
Good idea. (To the Pharaoh) Hey, Pharaoh, you'd better let my people go, or else you'll get some really nasty plagues.

PHARAOH
Oh yeah? Like what?

G-D
Blood, frogs, mice, wild animals, heartburn, dirty fingernails, and smelly armpits. 

PHARAOH
Who cares.

G-D
Let the plagues begin. Ending with the death of all Egyptian first-born.

PHARAOH
All right, let the Jews go. On second thought, chase them into the Red Sea.

ACT II, SCENE 1

NARRATOR
The Jews are chased into the Red Sea. But G-d raises his staff and, lo, the seas part.

SCARED LITTLE GIRL
I'm a scared little girl. 

RED SEA
Don't be frightened. I'm parting my seas so you Jews can get to the other side.

MOSES
What's on the other side?

G-D
Saudi Arabia.

MOSES
And that's an improvement?

G-D
For that snide remark you're going to wander the desert  for forty years, and never get to the Promised Land.

MOSES
Forty years is a long time.

G-D
Wait till you see how long the Seder takes. Seven hours , then Matzoh ball soup.

THE OTHER JEWS
Hooray!!

G-D
Gefilte fish.

OTHER JEWS
Hooray!

G-D
And bitter herbs.

OTHER JEWS
Oy!

MIRIAM
Sing the praise of G-d for saving us from the Egyptians, the Red Sea, and water-clogged ears.

ALL
Hosanna. Hosanna. Hosanna. 

    ZIPPORAH
A hose on you? This story is already too full of cold water. 

G-D
Well, at least it's not full of hot air.

CURTAIN