Is joint custody the best arrangement for kids? Should infants and toddlers be shuttled between two homes? Is it important to include children in decisions about custody? These are just some of the vexing questions facing parents, attorneys, judges, mediators and others who are involved in navigating the divorce process.
Recently, several thoughtful reports have been released that summarize the state of the research on these issues. The results are not simple, but they provide some helpful insights into what parents need to consider in managing parenting following divorce.
Marsha Pruett, Smith College of Social Work, provides a general set of guidelines for children at different ages. She notes that children at different ages have varying needs and differing abilities to navigate and cope with variations in changing families. She notes that equal time in parenting is not always the best arrangement for families. She also reminds parents, "It is the quality of time and parenting - not the quantity - that is more highly related to closeness between parent and child." She advises, "The absolute amount of parenting time should be emphasized less than a plan that allows for a schedule that enables both parents to feel and act engaged and responsible."
A particularly challenging divorce situation is one in which the children are very young--infants and toddlers. There has been much debate about the appropriateness of overnight stays and shared parenting arrangements in general. Jennifer McIntosh has been studying this issue that provides a good summary of the research evidence to date. There is lots of evidence that parenting during the first 3 years of a child's life is critical to health development, particularly in how child manage their emotions and cope with stress. McIntosh's summary of the current evidence is that children in the first 3 years of life should not involve overnight care in two homes. She also notes that young children's attachment to the non-residential parent can be achieved through regular contact that involves "warm, lively, attuned caregiving." In short, children's development depends less on whether or not children sleep in two homes, than on the quality of the parenting.
There are three primary ways parents can help insure that their children have fewer difficulties following divorce writes, JoAnne Pedro-Carroll, "the degree and duration of hostile conflict, the quality of parenting provided over time, and the quality of the parent-child relationship." She summarizes the important research findings that focus on each of these factors. She emphasized that it is important for children to have rules and routines that give them a sense of security. Likewise, they need to know that they are loved and cared for by hearing the words, but also by actions that reflect active and engaged talk and play. And they will thrive better when their parents manage their own strong emotions and conflicts. She recommends that parents reframe their relationship to a more business-like model in which the goal is the well-being of the children. For high-conflict parents she describes a model of parallel parenting that can best serve children and minimize conflict.
All three of these articles provide important new insights into parenting and divorce. And each author concludes with recommendations for parents and the legal system.
I found a very interesting article on a divorce website having to do with using a legal charge, known as "Abuse of Process" to break the nearly-automatic awarding of custody to the parent who files first for divorce and the often-associated “Temporary” Custody.
They are suggesting to file a civil suit for “Abuse of Process” against the parent who filed first, was awarded the “temporary custody” during the divorce proceeding, then won the permanent custody, and its associated child support (and often, spousal support).
This could offer a backup plan for the inevitable losing of custody to the party who was “first to file”.
An award under this claim would begin to establish a reform, but to truly become effective, it will need to be taken all the way to the state supreme court. This would then set the precedent which would be quoted in all future cases.
Can others please review this article, especially you attorneys, and post your thoughts? If this has validity, it might quickly stop this madness (Custody by “First to File”). It will require someone filing the civil action in their respective state, and thereby establishing a case law for future cases to refer to).
The topic is "Leveling the Child Custody Field", and is located at: http://keepthewasheranddryer.com/2011/04/07/leveling-the-child-custody-field/
Thank you.
The quantity vs quality debate is an unnecessarily artificial construct as quantity is necessary for quality. The more parental involvement, especially in the early years of a child's life, the better for the child according to Attachment Theory (e.g. Michael Rutter, Lamb and Kelly) and underscored most recently by Fabricius et al. Indeed, most researchers are now concluding that increased parental involvement post-dissolution (i.e. shared parenting) reduces conflict and can even mitigate the negative effects of high conflict.
See: Fabricius W., Diaz P.,Braver S. “PARENTING TIME, PARENT CONFLICT, PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIPS, AND CHILDREN’S PHYSICAL HEALTH“, 2011. To appear in Kuehnle, K. & Drozd, L. (Eds.) Parenting Plan Evaluations:Applied Research for the Family Court. Oxford University Press.
Download:
http://www.azcourts.gov/Portals/74/AdHocCustody/16%20-%20Parenting%20Time%20Parent%20Conflict%20Parent-Child%20Relatioships%20and%20Children's%20Physical%20Health.pdf
Also recommend Guest211 references.
Well put, George.
And I agree, this article subtly promotes single parenting of youngsters at the cost of increased risks of the children developing Borderline Personality Disorders due to abandonment issues.
for interjecting studies and facts into the debate, other wise we are sharing opinions.
I also believe it is a false argument to speak of shuttling children... etc. A dads Love is different and as needed as a mothers love for any child to thrive. Placing obstacles and artificial barriers to the child receiving both parents love to my mind shows a complete misunderstanding of what love truly is.
Some how the debate has become centered around whose love is best. Were that it were so… I’d gladly say “Gee Mom your love is best!” if this would end this false yet sadly effective argument. In seeing the above use of Abuse of Process to derail the well worn tracks of first strike, divorce, temp custody, etc we are layer argument upon argument and trekking deeper into the wood, not that this isn’t a good idea and clearly expressing the dynamic of their actions.
We have started a petition which if passed would take this whole mess off the table and with the help of many refocus the work upon human rights, parental rights and yes the rights of children to be loved.
http://www.change.org/info/how-to-collect-petition-signatures
Quick with a show of hands… how many are against LOVE?
Mark Sullivan
A whole weekend devoted to the children in their primary home...both nights and days ...would be so much more gratifying for all involved.
It was so heartbreaking for my kids...especially my son who was 1 when we divorced.. when their dad picked them up with his newest girlfriend...or wife ..and they just became props for the couple. There wasn't a single weekend that he actually had them from 6pm Friday till 6pm Sunday. Something always came up that he couldn't pick them up till Sat or he just had to bring them home early until he finally just quit showing up at all after he had more kids.
Needless to say at age 22 his only son could care less about him and he STILL doesn't understand why.
Parents if you are not there for your children do not expect them to be there for you.
Of course I'm just an old lady with 2 very devoted children who is still ruminating on how it could have been.
Gee Whiz, what a benefit.
Popping in is selfish...and self serving... and upsets the kids routine which they thrive on.
If you haven't dealt with a control freak ex spouse who serves you papers so you cannot leave the city for a better job without a court hearing and all the legal fees involved then he up and moves to a different state because his new honey can't relocate because her baby daddy refuses to allow her move their kids ...and rightfully so...then you'd never understand. I even offered him full custody of our children knowing full well he would turn me down. He did not disappoint ;)
ROUTINE is ALL kids need...consistency and a healthy routine. Visit all you want just make it consistent.
Pax.
Not true.
And the quantity of placement time with father matters most to the children when the mother wants the quantity of placement time with the father to be least.
To call the bluff, so to speak, if placement time doesn't matter that much, then why not simply require equal placement time in all cases -- ?
Have no more custody/placement disputes. Have no parental conflict over custody/placement. Have no funds of the divorcing household transferred to divorce lawyers as legal expenses in disputing custody/placement.
Then we have reduced conflict. (Everyone in the divorce industry would agree that conflict between divorcing/divorced parents is harmful to the children of the divorce.)
We preserve funds of the divorcing household that thereby are available to benefit the children. (How does it serve the best interests of the children to have household funds that could be used for college tuition, orthodontia, etc. transferred to the divorce lawyers?)
We make more attention/time available for parenting the children. (Without custody/placement to argue about, divorcing spouses can put their attention where it belongs -- on the parenting of their children.)
We "right-size" divorce.
As usual your comments are right on the mark and point out troubling problems with the research by Smith College of Social Work.
There is one thing research shows consistently: children benefit from stability; being shuffled from one house to the other and being forced to meet the dad's girlfriend du jour is no stability.
Divorce is destabilizing. Any mother who files for a divorce knows that.
No divorcing mother who has filed for a divorce should be allowed to claim that she should have primary custody and/or that the divorcing father's parenting time should be restricted because the children need "stability".
Children benefit from having parents who are more emotionally mature than children.
An additional point that Professor Pruett addresses in her paper but that generally seems not to get much attention though it is in many cases a significant impediment to father involvement is restrictive maternal gatekeeping.
Where the mother engages in restrictive maternal gatekeeping it is very difficult for a father to establish himself as a co-equal parent.
In such situations, quality parenting simply is not possible without ample/equal quantity parenting time.
Mothers have significant influence over their children -- for good and/or bad.
The restrictive gatekeeping mother is attempting to develop in the children the mindset that she is the "real" parent (she "owns the children) and that she periodically allows the children "on loan" to their father (who is inferior as a parent and therefore only entitled to limited parenting time).
In such situations, the more time the children are with the mother and away from the father, the less time the children have with the father independent of the mother, the greater the opportunity for the mother to establish a your-father-is-not-a-real-parent mindset in the children.
Sometimes it takes a few days of continuous placement time for the children to feel completely "at home" with a parent. And that's when the parenting magic happens.
Placement time matters.
Placement time does matter!
In the end, parenting plans (a.k.a. custody and visitation agreements) should represent all the needs of the family members, of course with the childrens' being represented with more care and attention since they are unable to have their own needs met in the process.
As a mediator, I've never found that asking parents to behave in a business-like fashion works as well as finding out what all the family members' needs are and devising plans that work for everyone without compromise, but with collaboration instead.
Takes a very skilled professional to do these things well, but they are within reach under "normal" parameters where no safety, mental health or substance abuse issues are predominant.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joy-moses/fathering-and-enforcement_b_879101.html
http://www.articlesaboutmen.com/2010/06/shared-parenting-is-one-gift-thats-long-overdue-911/
http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/why-fathers-will-always-matter/2011/06/17/AGXvyUZH_story.html
http://www.thestar.com/article/705130
http://www.barbarakay.ca/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=526&Itemid=10
http://townhall.com/columnists/rachelalexander/2011/07/19/the_new_battleground_of_child_custody_reform_shared_parenting/page/full/
(Are you a scientist by training?)
You know/care more about child welfare than the divorce lawyers who earn their living in the divorce industry.
The divorce industry should live by this adage: "If you don't know what you are doing, don't do so much of it."