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Good News! Mitt Romney Never Ate a Dog

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May God love and protect the tone-deaf and clueless.

The Republican world was all a-twitter Tuesday with a story on the far-right website, Daily Caller. It quoted President Barack Obama's autobiography about his stepfather having served him dog meat when he was nine in Indonesia. The article hoped to divert ridicule from Mitt Romney for strapping the family pet dog, Seamus, to the roof of a car on a family trip.

The problem is...well, you see, the problem is many. And it all centers around the blind, giddy glee with which Jim Treacher attempted to put his Great Find into perspective.

"So what? It was a long time ago," you say. "He was a lot younger. Customs are different there. He was just doing what his stepfather told him. And hey, you can't even prove that the dogs were ever left on top of a car, you racist."

Hey, whatever you have to tell yourself, libs. Say what you want about Romney, but at least he only put a dog on the roof of his car, not the roof of his mouth. And whenever you bring up the one, we're going to bring up the other.

It's no fun when we push back, is it? That's why it's so much fun.

No fun??? No fun?!! It's so freaking fun it makes a sun-filled day at Disneyland seem morose.

Oh, my, not only is it fun when people push back like that...it's otherworldly joyous. You read that and realize how incredibly, stultifyingly stupid that was. On levels heaped on boneheaded levels.

No fun? This was more fun than listening to a Ted Nugent rant as his brain cells fly away.

It was fun because you read it and realize that these giddily self-pleased Republicans, and the Romney campaign itself, just don't have a clue. Not a clue.

"It was a long time ago," Treacher writes, trying to be sarcastic. Well, no, the issue isn't that it was "a long time ago." Most of life was "a long time ago." The point is that Barack Obama at the time was...nine-years-old.

Oh, but "He was a lot younger," Treacher writes next, continuing his wink. Well, again, no, it's not that Barack Obama was "a lot younger." It's that he was only nine-years-old!

They are making fun of a little, nine-year-old child. Who was indeed doing, as Mr. Treacher thoughtfully explains, what his parent was telling him to do.

But that's not how stupid this was.

You see, Jim Treacher goes on to write, "Say what you want about Romney, but at least he only put a dog on the roof of his car, not the roof of his mouth."

It's like watching a car crash in slow motion. The article takes a story that the Romney campaign dearly, achingly wants forgotten...and swaggeringly crams it in your face again! Clearly Republicans must think that what a child once did makes their own problem magically disappear. But all it does is remind everyone that Mitt Romney strapped his Irish Setter to the roof of his car on a family vacation.

And yet, in the very next sentence, the author makes it even worse. Because he writes, "And whenever you bring up the one, we're going to bring up the other."

You want to shout for joy, "Oh, please do! In fact, don't wait for others to bring up that Mitt Romney strapped his family dog, Seamus, to his car - bring it up whenever you like. Because every time, it will just remind everyone that Mitt Romney strapped..." well, you know.

And for some bizarre reason, even the Romney campaign thinks this train wreck is a winner. Romney campaign spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom sent out a tweet with a photo of the Obama pooch safe in a limousine. "In hindsight, a chilling photo," Mr. Ferrnstrom wrote, thinking he was being clever - when he had just reminded people that Mitt Romney strapped his own family dog to a car.

But the thing is - that's not how stupid this was.

What was most stupid about this article, and the Romney campaign keeping it alive, is this -

Republicans and the Romney campaign are all comparing the decision-making prowess of a mature adult running for President of the United States to a nine-year-old child.

Mitt Romney wants to impress Americans how good his decision-making is, how smart he'll be when dealing with the economy, national health care, women's issues, foreign leaders and terrorism - and the standard he's holding himself to that's he's better than a nine-year-old boy.

(Side note: how many of you have a nine-year-old boy? Or know a nine-year-old boy? Would any of you ever hold a nine-year-boy as a standard for...well, anything? Nine-year-old boys would eat a live frog on a big-enough dare.)

But let's go further. For the sake of argument, let's even accept the worst. Let's say it doesn't matter when the story took place, or that it's another culture. Or that doing what one's stepfather says is no excuse. Let's accept all that.

This story still compares Mitt Romney's decision-making expertise for being Leader of the Free World to a nine-year-old boy.

And whenever anyone brings up that rich, entitled Mitt Romney strapped his family dog to a car roof, Republicans vow to compare him to a poor, hungry child?!

Oh, dear Lord, who art in heaven, please let them liveth by their promises.

While the story might play grand to far-right reactionaries with a blind hatred for the President, none of them were voting for Barack Obama anyway. For everyone else, it only serves to do one thing - remind people that when Mitt Romney chose to strap his family's pet dog to his car, it wasn't something a nine-year-old boy did.

"It's no fun when we push back, is it?," Republicans swagger.

It is more fun than a barrel full of Romneys.