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Happy Anniversary, Citizens United!!

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On this Friday, January 21, it is the one-year anniversary of the Citizens United decision by the Supreme Court, pretty much declaring corporations to be equal to individuals and giving them the same rights. Actually, more rights, since corporations don't have to do the dishes after dinner, visit in-laws or diaper their babies. And they get to give all the piles of money they want to any political candidate and not even declare it publicly. How cool is that?! Forget being president, it almost makes you want to grow up and be a corporation one day.

Like you, no doubt, I plan to have a big anniversary celebration on Friday. After all, it's not every day that you get to subvert democracy and let money pour out of every body orifice in total dark secret. Well...okay, now it's every day, true. But it's not completely true, you still have to be a corporation to do it. Individual citizens don't have that right - even though supposedly corporations and individual humans have the same rights. It just doesn't work in both directions.

(It's all very confusing. For instance, although the Supreme Court says that corporations and individuals get the same rights, corporations are physically unable to pee. But they are able to pee all over you. It's a quirk in the law. And biology. I leave that to constitutional scholars.)

For my gala Citizens United anniversary party on Friday, I plan to have to have a big piñata that we all will get to pound and pound with a stick until it bursts and all its insides fall out. But rather than being in the shape of some farm animal, I've had mine made up like a map of the United States.

I am also inviting all my dearest and closest corporations, and we can hold hands and dance around in a circle on a big American flag. Well, okay, we won't all be holding hands because corporations don't actually have "hands," per se. But that's nit-picking because they do have hands in politicians' pockets and fists up your butt, so it's pretty much the same. Anyway, that's another of those constitutional and physical oddities that's far beyond my understanding. And to be clear, all that wiping feet on Old Glory is not desecrating the flag, it's honoring it. I'm sure the Supreme Court can figure out a way to explain the difference. So, I won't be losing any sleep.

I'll also have a booth helping people incorporate themselves. I have personal experience with this, as I've explained on these pages in the past, incorporating myself twice. The first time was as the NoTel phone company after the Bush Administration passed a bill protecting telecoms from being sued for illegal activity in wiretapping, and the other came after I officially became the Bank of Bob to cash in on the Bush bailout money.

So, as you can see, I know what I'm talking about here. Being a corporation has worked out so wonderfully for me. I would tell you how wonderfully, but I'm a corporation, and I don't have to. Well, as a corporation, I do have to disclose public information, but as a corporation, I also have my rights as an individual, and I plan to stand and/or hide behind them. Let the Supreme Court figure out the difference. I feel comforted knowing they will.

If you can't make my party - either because you're not in the neighborhood or invited (after all, my corporate slogan as NoTel is "Where You Come First. (And by 'You,' I mean me.") - I came upon a video that explains it all for you, as well. It's by Rob Kutner, a writer for the Conan show, so as someone who went through his own share of corporate shenanigans in the past year, he knows what he's talking about. And if you aren't attending my gala celebration, that's not reason why you shouldn't have your own. Or join others in Washington for a Happy Anniversary rally at the U.S Capitol on January 21.

(By the way, I have a proposal to rename it the "U.S. Capital." It seems more appropriate now.)

Cake will probably be served. Yes, yes, I'm aware that corporations can't actually eat cake. But they also live by the motto, "Let them eat cake." So - well, by this point you've no doubt realized that somehow the Supreme Court will be able to futz their way around it, making law by ignoring physical law and explaining reality away.

But most of all, don't forget to bring a gift! Any denomination will be accepted, please make sure bills are unmarked. Not to worry, it won't be reported.